Installment 2 of Open Adoption Roundtable from Heather PNR. Assignment in a nutshell: Talk about the first/birth father of your child.
Hi there, S.–
You don’t know me, but I’m raising your son. Heck, you may not really even know you have a son, but that’s something to sort out another day, I guess. Despite that fact, I’m thinking about you on Father’s day, wanting to share some information, and wanting to get some, too.
Your little boy, Woob, is already three years old, and we couldn’t love anyone more…he is ALL. BOY. and keeps us on our toes. He’s absolutely the funniest person I know, and he’s learning things faster than we can teach him. He loves monster trucks and skateboards, swimming and climbing, jumping (~sigh~) and isn’t afraid to get dirty. He can quote Bugs Bunny cartoons and has the ability to remember EVERYTHING, even when you think he wasn’t listening. He feels his emotions so strongly that it tears out my heart sometimes.
Someday he’s going to want to know more about you, if not know you personally. Honestly, I don’t know how to wade into those waters. Feeling great about keeping an open adoption with his firstmom (making sure he knows her, knows he grew in her belly, all those things) I feel at a loss as to how to introduce you into that picture knowing so little about you. Sure, we’ll cover the biology of the whole situation, but that seems so…empty. Here’s what we do know:
- your name
- your age at the time Woob was concieved (oh, my, SOOO impossibly young!)
- N’s feelings about you and your ability to handle the responsibilities of fatherhood for various reasons (not favorable)
- that you had moved out of state for awhile and may have moved back (??)
- what you look like as of last year. N. gave us a few pictures of you to keep. For maybe the first two years, he looked identical in our opinion, to N. But man! There are moments when he is the absolute spitting image of you. As he grows into his adolescent years, I have a feeling he will begin to look more and more like you. It is a blessing to get a glimpse of what he might look like as a young man.
And that’s it. I’m sure for a lot of kids growing up in adoption, or their parents, that is more than they could ever dream of knowing, but as I see it from my little corner of the adoptive parent world, its simply not enough. I want to know what sports you like, and if the two of you move the same when you walk. I want to hear your voice and notice any similarities that might be there. I want to know really how much information you had about this child, the choices you made, or the choices you weren’t given the opportunity to make. I want to know if you ever have other kiddos out there–siblings to Woob, so that he can continue to have bio family after we’re long gone. I want to know that you might be “around” if and when Woob needs to know more. I want you to know that we’re “around” should you decide to be, and want to be a positive person in Woob’s life.
But until that might happen, please know that Woob’s everyday Daddy loves him beyond measure and is doing his very best to make sure he grows to be a kind, smart, and honorable man.
~Woob’s parents
11 Comments
June 23, 2009 at 11:55 am
(PS I meant that paragraph instead of that post)
June 23, 2009 at 11:59 am
Thank you for this post M. That post about all the things you want from/about Woob’s birthfather are incredibly touching….and incredibly heavy for me as I think about what those answers would be for Cupcake’s birthfather….and whether he’ll ever be there to share them.
June 23, 2009 at 8:15 pm
Funny this was the assignment, as I was thinking about the whole birthdad(s) thing this week myself. Talk about living in the shadows…..so many men do as birth/first fathers, either by choice, situation or other….
June 24, 2009 at 4:46 am
Wow. I could have written much of that. It’s making me think right now about our little guy’s birthfather…
I think I need to ponder and post about it myself… Thanks for sharing! I bet there are SO many others out there who are in similar situations.
June 24, 2009 at 3:06 pm
This is such a moving letter. Thank you for sharing it, M.
June 25, 2009 at 3:36 pm
I didn’t know you could adopt a child without the father’s permission. I know that used to be the case but I assumed the laws had changed. Adoption reform really has a long way to go doesn’t it?
June 25, 2009 at 9:12 pm
i think if the mother tells the attorney she doesn’t know who the father is, and they publish and whatever else they are reuired by law to do, then that’s that. I have a strong suspicion there are many lawyers who encourage the mother to keep it to herself to reduce complications…
June 26, 2009 at 5:25 pm
There ABSOLUTELY are folks that encourage the mother to keep it to herself….not just lawyers, but social workers, even hospital staff!
June 25, 2009 at 9:43 pm
Thanks for sharing. I believe babies are still being placed without the birth fathers permission.
July 7, 2009 at 2:13 pm
They publish a tiny weenie little ad in the back part of some newspaper though don’t they? And if the father doesn’t respond then the adoption goes ahead.
In Australia the adoptions are state run, not profit based. It seems more ethical that way. Of course they were not always ethical but they have come a long way in the last fifteen or so years.
July 10, 2009 at 10:31 am
kim kim? HI! Haven’t “seen” you in awhile…
You’re right, tiny ad, and our laws here have the putative father registry that no one knows about, and if there’s no one stepping forward by the end of the time frame, the adoption goes ahead.