Monthly Archives: April 2009

Overview

How can nearly a month have passed since I’ve written here? Time is flying so quickly and so many things happen in a weeks’ time, I don’t know how to keep track of it all. I’ve been feeling out of my element quite often lately—juggling to many things with too few hands it seems. I’m sure that there’s been lots I could’ve said within this forum ove the past several weeks, but sometimes its just easier to gloss over the high (or low) points that to really dig in and examine things closely. Here’s my gloss:

Work—
Totally and completely overwhelmed. My plate is becoming way too full lately with different projects and shifts in funding being necessary. This will never change as long as I work in the non-profit world, especially in this kind of economy. Hooray, I have a job! This is truly a blessing, but some days it seems like I’ll never win the race—and have you seen my office lately?? Total tornado.

Home—
Speaking of tornados, it looks like one hit the inside of my house, too. Between being tired and less-than-motivated after work, we’ve been spending more time outside with the warming weather. Even when we’re inside, it seems like everything is a race. Get home, get dinner on the table, give the boy a bath, put in laundry, play, do potty/nighttime routines, read a story, put to bed, crash. Somehow sweeping, dusting, wiping, scrubbing don’t fit into that routine very well.

Boy—
Greatest person in my life. But he’s three. He’s the most tiring person in my life ;). He’s becoming independent, smart and strong. He’s got an awesome sense of humor and energy. He’s becoming, in some ways, so much easier to take places and do things with. But then in some ways it can be harder at times. We’re doing pretty darn good with potty training, this week really focusing on pooping in the potty. We’re working towards a really cool reward. They had Leapsters on sale at TRU for $30 this week. He wants one in the worst way. I bought one, without his knowledge, but he will earn one after pooping in the potty ten times (ten stickers on the chart). In the two days since the master plan has been put into place, he has three stickers! Two of those stickers were instigated by his own admission that he had to go, which is AWESOME! Still won’t poop on the potty at school, though. Also, we MIGHT start swimming lessons Saturday if the instructor feels that Woob is mature enough to participate…we shall see. He is finally settled into a really nice groove in his new classroom (twice the number of kids, all 3, 4, and 5 years old). The transition was TOUGH, not just on him, but on us as well.

Couple stuff—
Spent the entire evening yesterday in totally separate rooms because its BASEBALL SEASON! Here begins our separation for the next several months. We did go out on a date a few weekends ago. Our babysitter who we and Woob love, will be going back home for the summer though, making it even more rare to take in dinner or a movie.

Health stuff—
I don’t think I’ve mentioned this to anyone, and its really only sinking in right now, that hubby’s health is significantly compromised, though you can’t tell from looking at him. Last year, he was diagnosed with COPD. Don’t ask me how this came about because he has absolutely NONE of the risk factors associated with the disease, yet his lung capacity is decreasing. Asthma has been ruled out, and allergies have been treated and no longer exist. Just a diagnosis of COPD, which has no real treatment. Dr. Google tells me that it is highly possible that in 10 years, maybe a few more or less, I might not have a husband anymore. Woob might not have a daddy. What the hell is that all about?

Adoption stuff—
I’m a little sad that I haven’t gotten any response from N. regarding Woob’s birthday pictures. He thinks about her a lot, and asks about her, and asks to talk to her sometimes. So the other night, I agreed to call her and let him talk for a minute. The voicemail picked up and Woob left a sweet message: “Hi, N! I went to Monsters vs. Aliens. Bob is my favorite. I pee in the potty. Its me, Woob! Bye!” That was nearly a week ago, with no response. Regardless of the fact that I get it that she might be super busy or she might be having a hard time with adoption stuff or what have you, the fact is I don’t KNOW these things are the case in why she wouldn’t respond. I don’t KNOW anything, because we have this whole move in close/pull way back thing going on. So when there’s communication, there’s good communication, but when its’ lacking, its NONEXISTENT. So I spend a lot of time guessing. But it also breaks my heart that he wants to connect with her and then it doesn’t happen. I did get the impression based on her Mspace today that things might be rocky at home lately and living arrangements may be changing yet again. Which makes me sad, both for her and for her girls. I wish for them all to have some stability for more than just weeks or months at a time.

Another thing related to Woob wanting to connect… We haven’t done a lot of talking in our house about Woob’s firstfather, given that we’ve never met him, and he’s never claimed paternity. We don’t specifically know where he is, though we do have a name and a picture. I realize we’re not really doing Woob any favors, but we’re still working on the whole firstmom relationship and trying to make those connections clear for him. Anyway, remember a few months ago Woob was asking me “Where’s my mom?” and meaning N? Well, the other day he came to me and said “I want to talk to my mom and dad. I want to call my mom and dad.” That was the first time he referenced a dad independently. Wow. We need to get working on his lifebook, seriously, so we can tell his story in a very structured way and fall back on it when things get confusing. Somebody, please kick my butt into gear on the whole lifebook thing!!

…Which leads us to a little project I did this week and saved in my computer files…There was one picture I took of Woob during his birthday party that looks SO much like another picture I have of N. So I took them and put them on the same page, side by side. There is another picture taken at daycare during Woob’s birthday party there. It looks exactly like the one picture we have of his first dad. I put those two pictures side by side. There is absolutely no mistaking that he has a big part of each of his parents’ looks within him. It’s a very cool thing to see. Don’t really know what to do with it other than keep it, make it part of his lifebook maybe? It just seems important to have those comparisons.

Other stuff—
I’ve been desperately needing something to look forward to since the whole last year of Really Hard Things—miscarriage, brother in law dying, P2R’s diagnosis, various episodes of family discord, and our cat dying. We’re pulling together vacation plans for June. Beach vacation plans. Quite possibly even CHEAP vacation plans! The beach is healing for me and I often hear it calling my name. I can’t wait!

And then, when we get back from vacation, we’re going to find us some kittens! Woobie needs some kittens to grow up with and they are so sweet and fun. We cat-sat my boss’ kitty this week and it was nice to have a little fuzzer around, so we’re going to go for it!

And THAT, my friends, is where my head has been lately.

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Filed under adoptee, adoption, birthparents, grief, miscarriage, open adoption