Talking into the Wind

NOTE:  I wrote this post before I realized the Open Adoption Roundtable #47 was about stalled adoption relationships.  And boy, is ours stalled!  This is the first post I’ve written in eons.  I have to tell you, it felt good to write it, despite the fact that its such a sad thing for my family.  Maybe its time to step back in to blogworld…

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.



Christmas, 2011:   Mama2Roo and Woob visit Mama N. and the girls at their house.  We exchange small gifts, catch up, laugh, wonder over the kids and how fast they’re growing.  We eat pizza at the nearby Pizza Hut, and go back to the house to get the little girls down for a nap.  No one naps.  Instead we have a Nerf Gun war.  M2R and Woob leave tired and happy, as all exchange hugs, kisses and promises to get together again very soon.  M2R receives text message a few hours later from Mama N. making sure of a safe return home.

Last night (May 9, 2013):  Woob has been in bed about 15 minutes.  As is his usual habit, he comes out of his room, delaying bedtime yet again.  “Woob, what are you doing out of bed?”  He climbs next to me on the couch and whispers, “Mom, I really miss my sisters and my mom.  I really want to see them sometime soon, can we?  Its been such a long time.”

So here we are, a place I didn’t really think we’d ever be.  I mean, I guess I always knew there was a possibility that we’d hit some kind of wall, take some kind of break.  I suppose I thought that if that ever happened, I’d have some kind of warning, or precipitating event.  Something.  But there wasn’t.  It just…ended.

 I’m feeling pretty sick about the whole thing.  At first, I was able to shrug it off as, “she’s really busy,” or “her computer must not be working.”  Over a period of months, this past year and a half of trying various means to reach her–emails, facebook, cards and letters, texting, calling, offers to travel, offers to host–I’m no longer in denial.  If she doesn’t want ME around, I get that, and am cool with it.  But Woob is no longer a baby.  He’s seven and smart.  He knows these people and loves them, despite their distance and that fact that he’s seen them no more than a few times a year.  He knows these people are HIS in a way that our family is not.  So my heart breaks for him every single time he mentions them or asks if we can go visit them or wonders why they’ve been silent.

I have become the mom who wonders if it was the right thing to want openness.

I have become the mom that contemplates lying to her son by writing him a letter and signing her name.

I have become the mom that tries to make excuses for the person who isn’t there.

I have become the mom that has done everything short of begging (perhaps I have begged a little bit), that this person just throw our kid one little crumb of something .

I feel ugly about all of the above.

Make no mistake.  My head knows that we aren’t the only ones in this equation, that there are hard emotional hurts that have to be tended to.  That maybe sometimes its just too hard to see what was, what could have been, what should have been if only…  My intent is not to be insensitive to that.  But my boy is hurting now, too, and my mama’s heart is shattered and doesn’t really know what to do next to help.



Filed under adoption, grief, open adoption

5 responses to “Talking into the Wind

  1. how terrible! i hope and pray she will get back in touch soon. i am so sorry.

  2. my heart just broke a little for your boy. I hope she comes around.

  3. Hey! I miss you!

    This is a big part of the reason I haven’t pushed for openness with C’s birthmom. She has mentioned it from time to time, but never follows through. I am scared that if she does, we will meet and then she will be gone again. Cam is too soft hearted. It would devastate him…

  4. From the flip side, I know that if my children had experienced visits with my oldest (relinquished for adoption) daughter, it would have **slayed** them, especially my sweet and sensitive boys who are now 16 and 8 years old.

    As it is, it is hard enough. I have become the mother who wishes she had never told her other children about their older sister, especially when I hold my middle parented child and try to answer his questions about why she never calls (I don’t know), does she know his name (yes, because I told her), will she like him (she would be crazy NOT to because he is fantastic!), and will he ever get to meet her (again, I don’t know). I have become the mother who toys with idea of swearing her entire family to secrecy so that my youngest, my 3-year old darling Poppy will never be told about her oldest sister until she in well into her adulthood so she can be spared the agony of having a ghost-sister. I have become the mother who wishes she had no idea where her (lost to adoption) daughter is, that she is a clone of me, that she is living and breathing and still choosing not to be a part of our lives.

    I feel ugly about all of the above, too.

    But sometimes…”sometimes its just too hard to see what was, what could have been, what should have been if only.”

    That’s my report from the flip-side of things, 21 years and three more children into the social experience of adoption.

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