Monthly Archives: November 2008

What Could’ve Been / What Is

And here it is…my would’ve been due date.  It didn’t really sneak up on me, as its always kind of in the corner of my mind, but I haven’t really allowed it its full impact for awhile.  There will be time for that on my road trip this afternoon, if its going to get me today.  Its hard to believe that nine months have passed…

And as always, within this space of time, life has gone on in so many ways.  Friends and co-workers have gone on to adopt, become pregnant, give birth to children.  Just today, an online friend is going in for a frozen egg transfer (fingers crossed, Emily!!).  I’m so happy for them all.  But when things like that fall so close to my own datelines, I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to be going to the hospital today for a final checkup, or be in labor, or going in for a C-section.  I will always wonder what those things would have been like.  I don’t feel selfish about that, just feel like its a natural thing to do, to wonder, to daydream, to grieve. 

Of course, some things can make it a little harder along the way…recently me and Woob were out to eat with a close family member.  Woob was being a little stink.  Family member was chuckling and said, “Just think, if your IVF would have ‘taken,’ what you would have to deal with!”  Haha, yes, so very funny (NOT).  FYI–the IVF did ‘take,’ and for a short period of time, there was a baby, our baby, growing inside me.  It was very real.  And I would have taken the responsibility very seriously.  And we would have been just fine, thank you.  Financially strapped and sleep deprived and irritable and happy and fulfilled.  Just fine.  People just don’t think sometimes. 

There was a time when I would’ve tried to keep the infertility stuff on the other blog, but its long since been abandoned and unloved.  And I realize that the infertility stuff and the adoption stuff are so interrelated, that its silly to separate them right now. 

Like the other people in my life, things are moving forward for N. as well. As I was approaching my never-to-be-realized due date last week, I found out that we will, in fact be adding to our extended family once again.  N. is expecting.  SOON.  Woob will again be a big brother to a little sister.  The little girls will be almost exactly one year apart.  We had been so out of touch lately, and when I found out the news I immediately panicked about the whole situation with the baby’s dad (outlined in a password protected post).  Once I was able to get more info, the panic melted away, and I’m in a better place with it.  And I’m also relieved in another way.  I initially was having trouble deciphering whether my feelings about this pregnancy were my own jealousy, grief, etc., spilling out onto N.  Overall, I don’t think so.  Once I learned that N. and babies would be safe and provided for, everything evened out for me.    Among other things related to adoption and infertility, both certainly lend themselves to a lot of second guessing about my own feelings and their origins, and it can get rather tiring.

So that’s the state of the union today…a baby that wasn’t to be, going alone on a road trip away from the baby I have, and a new baby on the way.



Filed under adoption, birthparents, grief, infertility, adoption, motherhood, open adoption, reflection

Meet our New Twins! (And other weekend events)

We have two new additions to our household.  Last week our washer busted and Friday we purchased a new and lovely Whirlpool Duet Sport washer and dryer set.  The washer:  front load with an internal water heater for whiter whites and those tricky stains, and above all else, can handle washing a king sized comforter without breaking a sweat!  The poor dears have been working non-stop since Saturday night. 

Whirlpool WGD8500SR White w/Sterling Brght Accents Duet Sport(TM) ...

In other news, regarding another member of our household…mornings have gotten better.  We have instituted a new no-nonsense 8:30 bedtime.  Even a half hour more of sleep per night seems (so far…knock on wood, please) to make a huge difference to a certain pre-schooler we know.  For a few days straight we are back to 1’s and 2’s.  I’m a happy, happy mom.  I hear bluebirds.

Saturday, among lots of other things that happened, I took Woob to see his first movie.  He knows Madascar by heart forwards and backwards.  So we took him, with no small amount of trepidation, to see the sequel.  He did beautifully.  So, all you other Mothers of the Year…you’ll not condemn me for the fact that on Saturday, Woob’s lunch consisted of Twizzlers, Chocolate Covered Raisins, popcorn, a juice box, and milk…will you?  I can’t believe he didn’t throw up, but he did sit through the entire movie except for the 5 minutes we needed to walk the sugary jitters off.  (Mich, I think you’re onto something with the whole Halloween candy for breakfast thing…I mean, it GETS THE JOB DONE!) 

Just a cute side note:  Gloria is the hippo in the movie.  Last night as we began supper, I was so excited to eat a nice hot bowl of burgoo that I exclaimed, “Oh, glorious burgoo!”  To which Woob replied…wait for it…have you guessed it yet?   “Its NOT Gloria’s burgoo, its Mommy’s burgoo!” 

I do love that boy. Very Much.

And with that, I must go start a letter to his mom, N., whom I feel I’ve neglected so much the past month, and there are so many things to tell her.


Filed under adoption, motherhood, not much, things that make me smile

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning…

…Or not.

Let me take a little informal poll here, since ’tis the season to cast your vote.  This one will be easier for you to choose.

For those families out there with toddler/preschoolers (2-4 years old), which of these best describes what mornings look like at your house?

  1. Easy, breezy.  My child wakes up and bluebirds start singing, the sun comes out, and I feel like breaking out in song.
  2. It may not be all rainbows, but usually we can keep things together long enough to get dressed, fed and out the door without breaking out in a sweat.
  3. Morning should be named a major Olympic event, given the vast athletic ability, strength and composure it takes to get my child up, dressed, fed and out the door with no one getting hurt.  I’m pretty sure that drinking at 8 a.m. is NOT such a bad idea. reason, just wondering 😉


Filed under adoption, mamahood, motherhood, not much