Monthly Archives: August 2007

UP!

I’ve been thinking about “up” a lot lately, because there seems to be never enough of it at our house. As the mom of a toddler, who’s getting ever taller and better at s-t-r-e-t-c-h-i-n-g to get things, I can’t get enough things up fast enough. I’m constantly needing to quickly pick up the remote, the phone, the laptop, books, nail clippers, hairclips, dvd’s…it goes on and on. I’m running out of locked cabinet and drawer space and other shelf space.  Often the only place to put something is on the back of the sofa, and it falls on your head later.  I jokingly told my husband the other day that we need to just line the upper walls of the whole house with cabinets and just put EVERYTHING.  UP.

And then there’s the Woobie, who at the most inopportune times also wants up.  When I’m cooking dinner and have raw chicken or a big knife or a hot pan…”UP, UP, UP!!”  When I’m trying to curl my hair or vacuum the carpets…”UP!!”  When he’s in the tub with shampoo in his hair and soaking wet…”ALL DONE, UP!!” (and picture him climbing me to get out of the tub like that!). 

There’s not enough “up” in our house most days.   Not physically, anyway.

But then, there are days when I just drag home from work with no energy…and the little dude, with something so cute or funny, just lifts me right up with it.  When family members are sick or annoying or troubled and bring us down with those things, there he is again, needing us, pushing us, and lifting us up.  Early in the morning, he’s the first one up and the first one we want to see.  He’s a blessing in our lives, that little Woobie.  He raises our lives up higher than they would ever be without his presence.

“Up,” indeed.

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Filed under adoption, mamahood, not much, reflection, things that make me smile

Movie to Watch Out For

I went with a girlfiend to the movie for the first time tonight since Woob was tiny, tiny, tiny.  That was good.  We went to see “No Reservations” with Catherine Zeta Jones.  It was way different than I expected it to be…much better, but look out because its  tearjerker in parts.  Anyway…that’s not the purpose of this post. 

They showed a preview for the movie “August Rush” due out in November.  Robin Williams and Keri Russel are in it, and it looks like an adoption movie.  The online info suggests the baby is “orphaned by circumstance” but the scenes in the preview have someone telling Keri Russel’s character “You have to give the baby up.”  Other scenes showed this little boy apparently growing up in some sort of home, and possibly on the streets, trying to find his parents, and also shows Keri Russel going back to the hospital to find or reclaim her son, but she doesn’t know his name.  Someone asks her “well, if you didn’t want him, why are you looking for him?” to which she replied “I always wanted him.”

The whole thing looked heartbreaking and I hope against all hope that they did the film well.  We shall see.

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Filed under adoption, movies

The Preciousness of Children

My child is precious.  Not just to me…but globally, if you will.  And not just my child, but yours, too.   

I’m sure I’ve said it before on my blog or a forum, that the Woobie is truly precious.  It seems that when I, or people like me (adoptive parents) say our child is “precious,” it has at times been taken to have a pejorative connotation, much like people say “bless your little heart” in a belittling way.  I’m here to tell you, that’s not me; that’s not my meaning.   

In my own heart, ALL children are precious.  Those born to us, those adopted by us, those living in wealth or poverty, those who are black, white, green or what have you.  Those who are healthy and those who are sick.  Those who were carried to term, those who, for many reasons were not born into this world.  Those who are now not children, but grownups, who have been hurt by adoption, abuse, neglect, or worse.  Those who never got to feel precious at all. 

My own Woobie is made up of so many different pieces—parts of him given from his mother and father who created him, and from their extended families.  New parts of him emerge as he learns new things and experiences different people and places.  Other parts are learned from me and his Woobiedaddy and our extended families.  All these things will make him uniquely his own, but ours at the same time.  He learns, he grows, he happily plays and has adventures.  He acts cute and silly and funny and frustrated and downright angry.  For all of these things and even without them, he is precious.  He is precious just for the sake of the fact that he is. 

The fact that I get to experience him every day and care for him and love him is in short, AMAZING (another word some have come to dislike when associated with adoption).  So amazing that it takes my breath away.  So, when I say MY child is precious, it is because he’s the one I have in my life every day.  He’s the one I get to experience.  He’s in my heart even if he wasn’t born to me.  Even if growing up outside his natural-birth-first family is not ideal for him, or would be his choice had he been given one at all.  His worth does not change. 

My child is precious, and so is yours.

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Filed under adoptee, adoption, birthparents, mamahood, reflection, semantics

Restlessness

Ever been at a loss for words and unable to shake it?  I’m there right now and its becoming uncomfortable. I’m not especially anxious, worried, or depressed.  I’m not excited, overjoyed or bursting at the seams. I’m just kind of here, happily living things out day to day.  I go to work, pick up the Woob, go home, do dinner, bath and play.  My house is a lovely mess of toys and whatever else the little monkey pulls out.  We go to church each week and meet family afterwards for lunch.  Ever so occasionally, me and my man go out alone.

Life is pretty sweet right now, really.  We’re at a good place with Woobie.  I love him so much it almost hurts.  He’s learning so much everyday, is bright, affectionate, happy, healthy, and busy.  He counted to six the other day (I mean, really!!), and then he moo’ed at me.  Is anything cuter than 16 months old?? He is really the center of our universe, as it should be, and he makes us better people.  And its easier to be better people now that we have achieved a no-cry going to bed pattern for the past few weeks (cha-ching!).  I know that it’ll probably change, but we’re enjoying it while we can.  But here’s the thing.  At the same time as I’m feeling all these wonderful mommy/family/baby related things, and I’m feeling good about my own little spot on the earth, I realize that I don’t and can’t live in a bubble.  There are things that impact my universe and things that I do to impact others.

(1)  There’s a whole other family out there with Woob’s name on it.  I’m proud to be getting to know them, though it seems like we’re kind of stuck in slow gear.  We haven’t gotten to the point where we can talk about much that’s under the surface, and while I understand that, I’m still on edge about if that will ever happen or if we’ll just always be avoiding the elephant in the room.

(2)  I tend to isolate.  Knowing that the adoption has implications not just for us, but for those around us and that other people’s opinions do have an effect on our family, I’ve many times reached out only to be stung by folks’ quick judgments and closed-mindedness.  I want to be able to talk about things freely and there are a few people I can go to, but in the whole scheme of my real life, not many.  I will try to educate, but after so much, I shut it down and move on with things.  But given my personal inability to deal well with conflict, it goes no further than that and then I feel like a coward.

(3)  I REALLY would like to have another baby.  Woob needs at least one sibling, in my opinion, and I don’t feel like I’m done mothering babies yet.  Given that its seemed medically impossible in the past for me to get pregnant, and we don’t see any nearby options of adopting at this point, its probably a moot point for now.  That’s interwoven with the fact that N. is going to have another baby at the beginning of the year.  Am I jealous?  I’m not sure. I don’t think so, but I know I’m worried about her and C.’s health, living arrangements, choices, and maturity at times.  Other times I think they could rule the world.  Regardless, if, and no matter how, and by whom Woob becomes a brother, there will certainly be an impact on him.  I mean, think of the questions he’ll have…”why could N. raise newbaby and not me?”, “why did mom and dad adopt me, but then go on and have other kids—are ‘real’ kids loved more than me?”, or “wasn’t I enough for them after all their years of trying?”  And there are probably a million more and several more that are even harder to answer.

I don’t know…life is easier in my little bubble, but it doesn’t work that way.  I feel though, that something needs to be moving somewhere…there’s a restlessness despite my contentment, if that makes a bit of sense.  And a little bit of guilt because things are good, but I’m not yet satisfied.  Blah.

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Filed under adoption, birthparents, infertility, adoption, open adoption, reflection