Monthly Archives: March 2008

Its Over

Blood levels going down, down, down.

Only have to stay at work four more hours before I can go home and behave adequately depressed the way I feel.

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Filed under adoption, infertility, infertility, adoption, ivf

Physically and Emotionally Exhausted

Too much has been happening too fast over the past several weeks, and my head is in a whirl and my body just feels tired.  

My second blood test yesterday wasn’t what they’d hoped it would be numbers-wise.  I have to do another one first thing tomorrow morning.  In the meantime, I’ve been pre-grieving the loss of this pregnancy, even before its definitely lost, and am shocked at how hard its hitting me.  Meanwhile, I’m having to show up at work fresh-faced and professional with my co workers, who are finding out the genders of their babies, coming to work with morning sickness, and all of that.  Let’s do the time-warp, shall we?  I mean, isn’t this the same thing I could’ve typed many, many years ago??  but what can I say?  I invited this into my life by initiating IF treatment.

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We visited with Woob’s first family Sunday.  He got to visit with his mom and her boyfriend (who he LOOOOOVES), and meet his pretty new baby sister, who he isn’t really interested in or disturbed by one way or another.  He also got to see his grandparents, and was charming towards them.  His grandma was especially melted I think, and told me what a good job I was doing with him.  I don’t know if she was reassuring me as a parent, or herself as possibly someone who influenced her daughter’s decision to place (???).  Who knows.  Either way, my boy was sooooo good all day including in the car 2+ hours both ways.  I was so proud of him.  I do wish me and N. could have more time just to ourselves, because Woob is so drawn to C. that I think she gets ripped off in that department.  And I never get to talk to her about anything of substance…I worry that we might never.  I don’t even know what specifically that substantive topic would be, but just that there isn’t the opportunity to do it.

And I was proud of myself, because I made this trip by myself.  DH was off on a golf outing for four days.  Probably another reason why I feel so exhausted and irritable.  I need a break.

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I haven’t had my hair cut in eons, my house is a total disaster, and my laundry is as piled up as it can get…clean, but piled up.  I’m wondering what in the world I was thinking, believing I had the energy to raise another baby…

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Pray for my blood test tomorrow that it was just a flukey kind of thing–though rare, I hear these things happen.

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Filed under adoption, birthdays, birthparents, faith, grief, growing family, infertility, adoption, open adoption

Wowzers!

For those of you who don’t follow me at www.schmertile.wordpress.com, here’s the scoop.  Woob is going to be the big brother to someone here at home by Thanksgiving!  He doesn’t know it yet, but his world is about to be rocked to the core!!

We are in disbelief.  And humbled.  And terrified.  Some days I don’t feel I do justice to the one I have, and now I’ll have TWO!  So many blessings in my life.

And tomorrow we go visit N.  Pray that my boy is a little bit well-behaved so she doesn’t think I’m a horrible parent!  I can’t wait to see her and meet Baby J.! 

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Filed under adoption, birthparents, growing family, infertility, adoption, motherhood, open adoption, things that make me smile

MamaBear

Woob spent a few days at my sister’s house since babysitter was out sick with the plague for a few days.  A little stressful for me, because to put it gently, she’s a little more “relaxed” when it comes to childcare and general supervision than I am.  She’s a veteran mom, with three young daughters of her own, the youngest of which is 3.  Next oldest is in kindergarten, and oldest is in 2nd grade.

I went to pick him up the second day, and he was grouchy because their schedule only allows for naps after picking the older girls up from school, so not til about 3.  Which means I had to wake him up at 5 to go home, and so he would actually sleep at night.  Which pissed him off royally.  His poor routine has been rocked to the core lately.  Anyhoo, upon leaving, I put him in the carseat, and of course Middle Neice is in the back seat with him because she has to be in on everything no matter what, and she gets in his face, so he kicked at her.  Now I don’t condone kicking and it makes me a little angry when he does it to me.  And I also know my neice is in fact little herself and doesn’t know boundaries like an older kid…BUT…

When he kicked at her, she became really angry with him and yelled “Woob, You Are A BAD BABY for Kicking Me!! BAD BABY!”  I almost stopped breathing.  My sister gently chastised her but I had such an urge to react badly, and thankfully I didn’t.  But those words.  He is not a bad baby.  I NEVER want him to believe he is/was a bad baby.  I NEVER want him to believe that’s why he was placed.  Kids get those notions on their own and don’t need other people reinforcing those beliefs, even if they’re silly little kids. 

And the additional crappy thing about it, is that when I try to explain WHY you might want to word things differently, or WHY it pains me to leave my boy overnight, or WHY I think he reacted so badly after I did, people just think I’m crazy.  There’s such an element of If-You’re-Not-Living-It-You-Might-Not-Ever-“Get-It” that also hurts my soul a little.

Tell me, do YOU think I’m being too sensitive about things?

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Filed under adoptee, adoption, vent

The Best Birthday Present

Oh, N~

Today is the second anniversary of our big boy’s birth, but you already know that.  I’m sure you have lots of different things going through your mind this morning, far different than the things in mine.  Your experience of this day was so much different.  While we waited in anxious anticipation to meet him and spend the rest of our lives with him, you were recovering from a pretty exhausting labor, possibly wondering what you were going to do when he was gone, and you had only just met him yourself.  While we were excitedly telling you our plans for his name, you were giving us the gift of allowing us to name him–names that reflect our family history, not yours.  While we had trouble sleeping wondering what the next day would bring, I’m sure you also were sleepless for the very same reason.  We were strangers to you and you welcomed us into your hospital room, into your family, into your life.  We were writing things down, stories from your family about you, your heritage, your situation, because we never knew if we’d have the chance to ask you again.  You likely were memorizing the look of your boy’s fingers, toes, eyes and hair, because you never knew when you might see him again. 

Thank God the way we envisioned things two years down the road never came to pass.  We’ve come a long way in the past year.  We’ve had the opportunity to share pictures, stories, problems, gifts, our homes and our food together, over the phone and in person.  We have the second opportunity to ask some of the harder questions and make some decisions together about how we’ll appoach Woob’s questions in the future, how we want him to be raised now. 

Woob got lots of presents at his party the other day.  But the biggest gift he’ll get this year is our connection with you.  Thank you for that gift, because I have to believe it comes at a really great price.

We can’t wait to see you Sunday and meet Little J!

Love,

E.

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Birthday

Tomorrow was the only time we could really have the Woob’s second birthday party.  We had the place reserved (so we didn’t have to clean the house…).  The big cake is waiting at the bakery for pickup tomorrow.  Invitations have been sent.  And its snowing…really hard.  The place we were having the party closed today due to weather and the weather wasn’t even all that bad.  So I guarantee they’ll be closed tomorrow.

I know it doesn’t matter to HIM…he won’t remember it, he doesn’t know its even going to happen.  Its just we wanted him to have a fun day playing with his little cousins and friends.  And really celebrate the day he was born–which really does deserve “doing it up right.”

On a happier note, we went for his 2 year checkup and again, he was declared “perfect” by Dr. M.   In two short years he went from 8 lbs 11 oz and 21 1/2 inches to 29 lbs 3 oz and 35 inches.  He can jump with both feet off the ground.  He can drink out of a straw, use a fork and spoon, and say “C’mon Nanny.”  He can choose between two things when offered.  He can have a conversation of sorts.  He answered every one of the Dr.’s questions today accurately.  He can climb, he can hit, he can play on the “pooter.”  He has a memory like you wouldnt believe.  He is loved by more people than I can count.  He has changed my life in ways I have difficulty comprehending…in just 2 short years.

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Filed under adoptee, adoption, birthdays, growing up, motherhood, open adoption

I’m a Believer

Several years ago when I began my current job, long before starting my own adoption journey, one of the things I had to do was learn quickly about foster and adoption and the effects of kids, parents, families.  I had the requisite reading lists and devoured everything I could, inluding Verrier.  Out of all I read, I gave probably the least attention to Verrier’s work on Primal Wound.  It seemed, plausible, I guess that a child might feel that, but all children are different and parents are different, and not everyone is going to feel the same way.  So basically my thoughts were, don’t read so much into behavior and pain.  Kids, especially when adopted at birth, really don’t know the difference.

Somebody shoot me, will ya? 

Thank GOD, I have been blessed to have people around me, professionally, and online who have led me down another path of thinking.  Thank GOD I read enough and spoke to enough people BEFORE we adopted our son, to have a change of thought.  My agency sure didn’t talk very much about it.

It is always in my head, I am always aware of what might be lurking there, even though my boy is little and has no words to express the concept.  I think I have seen it in action lately.

We had to make two trips out of town within the space of a week for the procedures we’ve undergone, which entailed two nights of us leaving Woob with his Aunt, Uncle, and Cousin overnight on each occasion.  We generally don’t leave him anywhere for any period of time, but have started more recently using a babysitter for a short and needed night out.  We keep him at the same, small, personal, loving daycare while we work, which I feel enough guilt about, but he likes it there and does well.  But the overnights.  They have thrown him for an absolute loop.

Last evening when we got home and collected him from daycare after his second overnight in a week, it was obvious, he was undone.  Angry.  Frightened.  Overwhelmed.  I truly believe he thought we were never coming back.  That he was being abandoned. Again.  I have never seen anything like it.  My heart hurt, my head hurt, as he raged for the two hours before bedtime.  In the few times we were allowed to snuggle him, we reassured him over and over that we will always come back, we will always love him.  We acknowledged how scared he must have been.  And he’d calm for a little while, but then rage some more.

I believe in primal wound.  I believe that on some level, our babies know they were left with strangers by their mothers.  Even when they are old enough to express themselves through language, I don’t know if they could tell you what the problem was, as I see it as a body memory as opposed to the picture type memories we hold in our minds.  I don’t believe that every behavior is related to that wound, but I think I’d be a fool to disregard it.

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Filed under adoptee, adoption, motherhood, primal wound