Monthly Archives: March 2011

A Wise Man Builds his House on a Rock

The title above comes from the readings from church this Sunday, ironically.  Remember this?  That I wrote just days ago?  Well, just know that very quickly the story continues right back up the path it started from.  When we left off, my hubby pretty much hated me  was very disappointed in my choice to back out of the build and thought I was a raving lunatic.  Well, I kind of was.  And I so appreciate the readers who chimed in supporting my decision.  Of the few words he did speak to me that night, they included, “well, I’m not calling them to tell them to put a stop to it.  You’re gonna have to do it.”  Gladly.  And that’s what I did.  I called our realtor and gushed out all over again with the “I need out of this, we can’t do this, I’m sorry, but I’m otta here.”  She countered with the thought that I had a natural case of buyer’s remorse (UM, YEAH!), and that all would be well.  I gave her all of my reasons and a few tears, and she said, OK, I’ll call the builder and tell him to hold on a minute and I’ll get back in touch with you to see if you change your mind in a few days.  I didn’t WANT her to call me back.  My last words were “I will not change my mind on this.”    Turns out I didn’t have to change my mind, but it was pretty much changed for me, learning that it was truly, really too late to turn back without some signficiant financial loss over and above our earnest money. I won’t go into it here.  But  there you have it.  Hubby is happy again.  He also thankfully pulled in another tucked away financial source I didn’t even know we had, that came as part of the inheritance from his brother, which will help ease things a bit when they get tighter and, and also bring our overall down payment to a (relatively) reasonable level.  Turns out Uncle2Roo, even from his grave, is gonna help us build this house.

Now, just because all this is somewhat settled that its happening, does not mean that I am altogether settled with it.  Things are still going to be TIGHTIGHITHTIGHT over the next several months.  It will be a summer of NO FUN THINGS, GOING NOWHERE, SPENDING NO MONEY, and being ANTISOCIAL.  I’ve re-run the numbers with more accurate estimates of payments from the banker working our loans, and with this cut here and that cut there and a big ol’ budget down to the penny, we will make this work.  We won’t have curtains or landscaping at the new house, but we will not starve.  Woob will still get to go to the school we chose for him this fall.  I have been truly sick with worry for the past week (along with the flu for good measure), and marched my little fanny to the Dr.’s office to re-up my anti-anxiety meds which I hadn’t needed since my infertility days.  Its helping take a very big edge off for now.  And its cheap so that’s good.

We’ve had a few BIG TALKS over the past few days–me threatening hubby with his life if he goes off the budget by even a penny.  Me wailing about how we’ll never be able to (insert fun thing here) again! Wah Wah Wah. 

And at some point he just stopped me.  He looked me in the eyes and said, “This is going to be okay.  It will be hard at first and we’ll be making sacrifices that I think we’ll be glad of later.  We’ll become smarter with our money, we’ll be stronger becasue we’re in this together, and things will be fine.  There are very few things in our marriage that I’ve really wanted and insisted on, and if I thought this in any way was going to ruin our life together, I wouldn’t do it.  I need you to trust me and trust my judgement.  I’ve done the same for you.  When you told me you wanted to adopt, that was really nowhere on my radar.  You asked me to trust you and it has been the biggest gift of my life.  When you told me you wanted to have an OPEN adoption, I thought you had lost your mind, but you were so sure and confident, and now look.  Its such a good thing for all of us.  I’m asking you to put the same kind of trust in me.  We won’t know how it will turn out until we try.”  What the hell do you even SAY to that? 

So, now, my job is to push him to get the house ready to sell (my BIGGEST anxiety!), and to maintain a budget that works.  His job is to do whatever it takes to make this happen as painlessly for me as possible, and at the end of it to make sure he can tell me “I told you so.”

So folks, we’re building a house.  For better or for worse, for richer or for poorer.  With medication and without, and paying mortgage til death do us part.  We are.  Ground breaks Monday.



Filed under adoption, faith

Not On the Same Page

Things are stressful at Casa de la Roo lately.  Thank God no one’s sick or dying, we both are employed.  All is well.  But its all of the sudden not.  The hubby is pissed at me, and right now, I’m okay with it, but I think it might last a long long time, and that makes me so sad.

It all started with the blessed event about a month and a half ago…we paid off our house (see, things are good!).  Which put visions of sugarplums dancing right into our heads.  We’ve been in our home, modest but decent, for the past 16 years.  For the past several months we’ve been “looking” at houses.  There was one I fell in love with, but it needed a little more work than hubby wanted to put in, so he put off making an offer.  He put it off so long that the seller eventually went to a realtor to sell, which jacked the price up$30,000 by the time hubs thought better of making an offer.  Bummer.  But I”m okay.  We’re fine. 

Then we looked around again.  This time, while we went on a lark to an open house, again, I fell in love with a particular house.  Very different from the first one, but a home I could very much picture us living in.  We made a verbal offer and they verbally accepted.  It needed new cabinets and for the PURPLE master bath to be retiled.  WE went out to measure cabinets to price new and took another look-see, and went and drafted our purchase agreement.  The owners returned the purchase agreement with “changes in red” and that somehow felt to hubby like a challenge or aggressive or what have you and he said, “nope, we’re not signing this.”  At that point it was me that was pissed.  I had already emotionally invested.  It was a little more than I expected to pay for a house, but I’d made the calculations in my head about how we could continue and it seemed to make sense.  So I’moped for a few days, but really, I thought, its for the best since it really WAS so much money.

We went to more open houses, lots of different kinds.  Then one day he calls and says, “you know I was talking to (a realtor we know) who works with (a builder we know of), building in (a neighborhood we’d like to live in).  I made an appointment to go just meet and talk.”  And within one week, somehow, not only had we agreed on a plan to build, a lot to build within the neighborhood, but somehow at a pricetag 50,000 higher than the house we had already backed out on.  After you get done choking on your coffee, please know that I did say 50,000 higher than the house we really couldn’t afford the first time. 

For a little over a week, I have been running numbers, rearranging the budget, looking to sell my car, cut back EVERYTHING, change my plans to send my kiddo to the private school we had already agreed on, etc and STILL things weren’t adding up.  We are people who like to go out to eat, who like to see movies, who like to play golf, who like to go on vacation.  We are not people who discontinue their satellite dish and radio and to-your-door newspaper.  Even when I got rid of all of that and the land line in our budget, that put us barely in the black, wth no room at all for emergencies. And not knowing how much our house will truly sell for, adding that in was making me a sick, whiny, scared mess.  And then gasoline went up 30 more cents with promises for more, my office lost another contract and, and, and….    It just all seemed a little “bird in the hand is worth two in the bush” kind of thing.  I can tell you that I feel so strongly about NOT going through this, that the earnest money we put down on the building contract, gone now, is not even of any concern to me.  To ME the money-pincher.

As for hubby, he doesn’t see how tight things would be.  He doesn’t know thing one about how our bills run or what costs what.  Our lives would be VERY limited, and we’d have NO freedom, at least not for the next 6 months. He sees only that he had the dream of building this house. (His deceased brother is a home builder, and we had hoped one day that he’d have been able to build our home).  I have shattered his dream with one tear filled, burbling, rambling session where I tell him I just can’t do it.  And he’s pissed and sad and feeling broken.  He is dreading telling anyone he told of our plans that we’re not following through.  I hate it. He hasn’t spoken to me all night.  I wonder if he ever will again.  I wonder if every time something breaks down in this house, he’ll blame me.  I wonder if he’ll forgive me anytime soon.  I really feel like this is best for our family, and that we can find or build something relatively soon that actually fits within our budget after we take a little bit of time to live within a budget FIRST over time, not by default.

So tonight, I feel like crap.  But at the very same time, I feel lighter and more sane and comfortable than I have felt in weeks.


Filed under adoption