Monthly Archives: January 2009

This post brought to you by Santa Claus

“Mommy, who made the snow?”

“God made the snow, sweetie.”

“NO!  Santa Did!”

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“Mommy, the sky is warm!”

“The sky is very cold right now, Woob.  But if we wait very patiently, the warm sky will come this spring.”

Santa will bring the warm sky!”

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More Discussion on Adoption Discussion

I took Woob to see his new itty bitty baby (2nd) cousin for the first time on Saturday. 

He’s been watching his cousin J’s belly grow and grow over the past several months, of course with us telling him that his new baby cousin was in there and would be coming out soon.  New baby cousin, he knew, would be sleeping in his old crib and using his changing table, because he’s just going to be a baby, and Woob will be too big and grown up to need those things anymore.  So each time he saw J, he’d point to her belly and tell us that “Baby A” was in there.  He’d lift up J’s shirt to see if he could see him.

We get to their apartment and he’s excited, because he’s brought some gifts that he picked out himself, and he’s probably thinking there’s going to be a real live boy to play with and be freinds with when we get there.  But there’s only a tiny little sleepy baby there.  He’s okay with it, he offers his gifts, kisses him on the head, and is pretty much on to bigger, more interesting things.

At some time during our visit, I make a point to show him J’s belly and remind him that Baby A used to be in J’s belly, remember?  And he came out, and will be staying out.  He looked for a minute and asked, “is there another one in there?”  That made us laugh, but I honestly don’t think he meant that she still looked pregnant, but was truly wondering if such a thing would just keep happening.  We assured him that there was indeed, not, another baby in there.

We packed up into the car, and as I was done buckling him into his seat, he looked at me and asked, “Where’s my mom?”  I asked him back, “where’s your mom?” in hopes of getting clarification.  He replied, “My BIRHTmom N.  Where is she?”  So I answered, “She lives a long way down the road, so we don’t see her as much as we’d like.  Do you think about her sometimes?” 

Woob, quietly: “Yeah.” 

Me: “She thinks about you a lot, too.”

Woob:  “Look, there’s Chuck E Cheese’s!”

And so it goes.

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Welcome 2 The World

Woob’s tiny baby sister #2 came into the world this week, a little earlier than I anticipated.  We’ll call her Baby M.  I happened to call on what I THOUGHT was the afternoon before N. would be induced, and left a voicemail–“hi, its me.  Hope you’re doing well and all ready for tomorrow.  We’re all excited and can’t wait to meet the new little one!”  Too little too late apparently, because I immediately received a picture mail of new baby that had been born maybe two or three hours before!  She’s tiny and pink, and that’s about all I know.  I was able to view some clearer pictures on the hospital website and and putting together a package with several things–BELATED birthday card/gift for Baby J. <hangs head>, new baby card/gift, and upcoming birthday card for N.  Still don’t know what gifts to include as I haven’t really deciphered whether sending gifts is a good thing or a bad thing.  Regardless, I’m trying to take my few but faithful readers’ advice and just do what I want to do now and allow her to take the initiative to let me know directly if there’s a problem with that.  I think I’ve found the perfect idea for a gift–a certificate from daipers dot com.  That way she can use it for things for her, for either one or both of the babies, and do it from her own home.  Even if she doesn’t have internet access, she can call the 1800 number and order up whatever size/brand diaper she needs, or formula–whatevah.  Cool, yes?  (Marci, I’m thinking about you here, too, after reading your question about baby shower things on the other website).

So, now Woob has TWO baby sisters.  Two KEPT baby sisters.  Always wondering what that will mean to him.  Of course we haven’t gotten to the HARD parts of the story yet, not really.  He knows he has a “birthmom” named N. or Mama N., and has been told he grew in her belly.  He’s just now starting to get an education about babies in bellies as his daycare teacher recently had a baby, his cousin has recently had a baby, he’s heard about but not seen that N. had a baby in her belly.  If you ask him who his baby sister is, he can tell you it is Baby J.  He can identify N. and Baby J. in pictures.  I’m not so sure he even understands the concept of “sister” yet.  He knows when we say our prayers that we always thank God and ask Him to watch over and protect N. and Baby J., and more recently we’ve been adding “and New Baby Sister M.”  I don’t know when we’ll meet her.  I don’t know when he’ll start putting things together.  I know now is the time to really be aware of the language and the story and the feelings when we do talk about this, and to talk about it fairly regularly. 

At what age did your kids start really putting some pieces together about birth and siblings and relationships and adoption?

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Filed under adoption, birthdays, birthparents, open adoption

At a Loss

Not adoption related today.

Yesterday, heard the news about a former friend and coworker of many years.  His daughter committed suicide Friday.  She was twelve. years. old.  My mind can’t even comprehend that.  I’ve had many distractions since I heard the news but can’t shake it.  Visitation is tomorrow.  I want to go, but am terrified I’ll lose it.  I don’t know what to say or do in most situations, but this one…gah.

If you pray, please say a prayer for this family that they can someday find some sort of peace surrounding this.

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Conversations with Woob

[Setting:  Woob dressed up in his Batman costume, him leading me down stairs.]

Woob:  C’mon, WOMAN!

Me:  What did you just say? (Could my sweet little boy possibly be becoming chauvanistic at the age of almost-three??)

Woob:  C’MON, WOMAN!  Where’s your woman suit!  You need your woman suit on!  I’M Batman, and YOU’RE the woman!

Me:  OHHHH!  I’m WONDER Woman, is that it? (Sigh of relief)

Woob:  Yeah!  Let’s go save the day!

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Seeds of Doubt

These open adoption relationships can be so tricky sometimes.  In my own situation, its like there is a continuing cycle:  things are good/we’re talking/I’m confident —> things get quiet —> I start to doubt myself, the relationship, what her expectations are, and what my expectations are, did I do/say/send something wrong? —> some form of contact occurs —> confidence returns.  (Its often VERY akin to how I felt as a high school girl trying to understand and navigate the world of boys and dating).  And, sadly, as I was telling a friend last night, at some point it always comes back to being about ME, and I have to put things back into perspective and realize again that its not always about ME, soemtimes its about HER and what she’s going through, or not going through, or just sometimes its not about anything, it just IS what it IS.  Yannow?

It really helps as I read from other members of the triad, that many of them go through the same kind of cycles from their own perspective as well.  I can’t KNOW that M. has some of these same thoughts/concerns on her side of  the fence, but to think that just MAYBE she has some insecurities too helps me to not feel so silly and neurotic.  (Note:  I don’t wish insecurity upon her–I wouldn’t wish it upon anyone!).

I just know that on MY part, I want to do a few things:  (1) be a good partner in the relationship for the betterment of my son; (2) be a good partner in the relationship in any way that benefits N.; (3) not be a pain in the rear by pushing too hard to achieve (1) and (2).

So…It’s obvious that I’m rambling here about all this, but its really on my mind, wondering the best way to achieve our goals together without overstepping boundaries–including the unspoken or unknown ones.

Readers?  How do you navigate the waters here?  Feel free to share your thoughts/experience on this regardless of which perspective you’re coming from.  Feel free to share your opinion on what I’ve said here.  I think I need some dialog on this one!

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Filed under adoptee, adoption, birthparents, open adoption, parenthood, reflection