Category Archives: mamahood

Because Its February!

  • its soooo cold and snowy and it makes me a little depressed anyway.
  • my hubby and I and Woob in tow are going to a neighbor’s church Valentines dinenr.
  • it is ONE MONTH til Woob’s FOURTH birthday!
  • I have to plan a March birthday party and buy cool gifts!
  • I REALLY need to book our beach vacation soon!
  • I have not yet filed our taxes, but hope we get a refund again due to said vacation.
  • my motivation to do anything is way out the window
  • our annual work fundraiser (nonprofit) is finally OVER (highly successful!)
  • work is about to become bearable for about a month, and then become unbearable again soon after.
  • my parents celebrated their 45th wedding anniversary
  • I need to buy a lamp thingy that emits simulated natural sunlight
  • we just paid our truck off–time to start looking for a new car for me!!
  • I’m sick of all my winter clothes but its too cold to buy any summer clothes
  • can it be a year since our sweet kitty Jack died??  Really?
  • mice are coming into our house by the truckload from the field out back…they’re cold and hungry too I guess
  • On this very day four years ago, we got the call from the agency worker and very soon after on that same day  spoke to N. for the first time.  What a journey that call has lead us on!  And we are eternally grateful.  ❤

What does February bring out in you each year?



Filed under adoption, birthparents, mamahood, not much, open adoption

Oh, What a Beautiful Morning…

…Or not.

Let me take a little informal poll here, since ’tis the season to cast your vote.  This one will be easier for you to choose.

For those families out there with toddler/preschoolers (2-4 years old), which of these best describes what mornings look like at your house?

  1. Easy, breezy.  My child wakes up and bluebirds start singing, the sun comes out, and I feel like breaking out in song.
  2. It may not be all rainbows, but usually we can keep things together long enough to get dressed, fed and out the door without breaking out in a sweat.
  3. Morning should be named a major Olympic event, given the vast athletic ability, strength and composure it takes to get my child up, dressed, fed and out the door with no one getting hurt.  I’m pretty sure that drinking at 8 a.m. is NOT such a bad idea. reason, just wondering 😉


Filed under adoption, mamahood, motherhood, not much

Closer to Outta Here

Hi, Friends!  I’ve been pretty MIA on my writing, but still here, behind the scenes living and reading about your lives and commenting here and there.  The spring weather has finally hit so we spend so much more time outside in the evening and at lunch times so there’s been less time for writing.  But I’m here mulling things over…still always mulling.  And enjoying my boy who amazes me every day in exploration of new words, phrases, activities and imagination.  And procrastinating on the whole packing thing. 

We are less than 48 hours away from our departure to this small paradise in Outer Banks, and I haven’t yet packed even the smallest bottle of sunscreen.  I work late tonight and a full day tomorrow, so Thursday night will have to be my time to bust it full force and get it done.  I am SOOO looking forward to the trip!  But I am SOOO not looking forward to the long drive to the coast.  M*pquest estimates the trip to take about 14 hours.  I’m sure M*pquest doesn’t add in time for traveling with non-potty trained, wiggly toddler boys.  We do plan to stay overnight somewhere on Friday night, and we will be blessed with the assistance of my 10 year old niece in the back seat.  My sister and her family as well as my mom and dad are all driving STRAIGHT THROUGH.  We may be crazy, but we’re not stupid, so it will be a two-legged trip for us both ways.  Any advice for this kind of trip would be welcome, as the longest we’ve ever traveled by car with Woob is a few hours.  And you may remember what the plane ride to and from Boston was like last year…


For my Catholic friends/readers (and even those of you who aren’t), I’ve got a new favorite non-adoption-related blog is  She answers questions about Catholicism, her life, just about anything and puts everything into perspective with stories and her own brand of wit and wisdom.  I have been in tears laughing a few times as I looked through some of the archives.  (Storkwatcher:  a special note to you–she knows all the patron saints and their stories!!)


Tomorrow is Woob’s last day at J’s daycare, and although he is totally oblivious to that fact, we are all feeling rather sad about it.  In honor of his last day, the group is taking a field trip to the zoo and McDonalds if it doesn’t rain.  I won’t be able to go, but Papa2Roo will be along for the fun.  I’m trying to think of an appropriate gift for J. but am seriously running out of time!  Any suggestions are welcome here as well!

We have been able to take Woob twice to spend lengthy periods of time phasing into the new child care center, which is awesome.  P2R took him one day for about an hour and a half and I did the same last Friday.  In between times, P2R has been taking him after daycare each day to the new center’s playground.  Hopefully it won’t be such a big shock when we leave him there on that first day…I know its probably worse for us than for him.  I don’t know if there’s anything we could do differently to help smooth the transition.  Change is hard.

Some of you are curious about how I handled the adoption information on our care center paperwork.  I looked for openings to talk with the care providers one to one, there were always little eyes and ears around.  It seemed like more of an “office” conversation to me.  After about a week I finally wrote on the form something to the likes of “Woob was adopted at birth and we maintain an open adoption with his first family, which means we all keep in contact often through visits, mail, etc.  He has a little sister who lives with his first family as well.  You may hear him refer to his first family.  Any/all discussion or questions regarding this should be directed to us–we are happy to help educate staff about adoption in general, and Woob’s story as necessary in relation to his care.”  Probably could’ve done better, could’ve done worse…


Woob is starting to do such cute things…really into the whole pretending about puppydogs.  Either he is one or he is talking to one all the time.  He pants and barks and sits.  He pretends his french fries are bones and tries to whistle and say “here, boy!  A bone!” 

He tried to feed the neighbor’s cat some rocks the other day…”Here Targer (Tiger).  Bite this rock.  Eat it!”  “Targer” was less than excited about the prospect of rocks for lunch, but is a pretty good sport when it comes to being chased around by the Woob.  Our own cat won’t have anything to do with him and hides during waking hours.  So Woob has claimed Targer for his own, and we are not allowed to pet him because “Targer is MY kitty cat.  MY Kitty.”  Oh, we have reached the age of “MINE,” and what fun we are having with that…heh.

He can sing along all the words to Mary Had a Little Lamb (all the verses!), Happy Birthday, and that blasted “Life is a Highway” song from Cars.  He wants that one on the radio EVERY. Morning. in the car.  Over. And. Over.

I never really pictured “two” as this much fun and this adorable.  Not that we don’t have our moments…but still, really, really cute.  I love him with everything I have inside me.


Happy day!  As soon as we get back from our trip, I will be shipping my unopened IVF meds to a cyberfriend of mine.  As I told her, just seeing it in the fridge every day as I grab a Coke, really pisses me off, especially since I received the bill for it the day I found out I was losing the pregnancy.  I want it gone.  She’s getting a deal (and hopefully a BFP!!) and I’ll be able to replenish a tiny bit of my bank account.  I totally suck for charging anything at all, but did I mention that bank account??  You know, the empty one??


I just ordered makeup from the deal that TGM posted, and I can’t wait til the shipment comes!! It’ll be like Christmas morning at my house!  I may not even be done ordering yet.  Check it out if you haven’t yet!


A post I want to write refers back to Nicole’s question about do you want your open adoption relationships to be more like houseguests or family, which piggy backs onto TGM’s question about what would be your ideal open adoption.  I need time to think about them both together and make intelligent words come out the other side, but both of those girls keep me thinking with their posts.  If you don’t read them, please ask yourself, “why, why don’t I read those blogs?”  And then answer yourself by shooting over there and doing so.


I just read “The Secret Life of Bees,” remembering Jenna’s post last year.  A good, quick read.  Touches on lots of adoption related issues, though its not a book about adoption:  loss of mother, loss in general, grief, depression, exploration of “family,” race, etc.  The bonus is you get to learn a little about bees and keeping them along the way.  No real review here, but just wanted you to know it was a good one if you were looking for some summer reading that wasn’t trashy romance.


Hi HeatherPNR!  Thanks for checking in on me.  Its nice to be thought of 🙂


So there you have it!  Random?  Yes!  But it felt good to just keep the conversation going with you all out there!



Filed under adoption, birthparents, infertility, adoption, mamahood, not much, open adoption, things that make me smile

Before and After

Three Years Ago on a Day Off Work:

I’m off work for the day, Cha-Ching!  Open my left eye just long enough to confirm that my alarm won’t go off unnecessarily.  Sleep til 10am.  Get up and eat a bowl of cereal while watching “The View.”  Maybe read the paper.  Shower and put on sweats.  Do a load of laundry.  Take a nap while listening to the tv tuned to either a soap opera or “A Baby Story.”  Wake up in time to eat a quick lunch and watch another episode of “A Baby Story.”  Read a book or goof around on the internet.  MAYBE do another load of laundry or the dishes.  Doze off until I realize that hubby will be home soon and see that I’ve done nothing all day.  Start dinner and look busy as he walks through the door.

Today on my Day Off Work:

I’ve been looking forward to this day for weeks!  Wake up at 6:30 instead of my usual 5:45 (yay!  I got to sleep in!).  Run a comb through my hair, go start a load of laundry and get Woob’s clothes and milk ready.  Get the boy up and dressed.  Pull out all my tricks to get him to sit on my lap and look at books while he drinks his milk.  Convince him to get his coat on so he can go to daycare.  Take little dude to daycare, because that is the only way I’ll get ANYTHING done today. Go straight to Wal-Fart to pick up a birthday card for N., various household organization items, and things I forgot at the grocery store two days ago, all the while relishing the freedom to walk down any aisle I want and take as long as I want doing it because I’m not on schedule, nor do I have a toddler attempting to climb out of the cart or demand that I somehow push the cart without touching the cart because only he can touch the cart (sigh).  Go home, and eat a quick breakfast, while checking out what’s going on online and listening to Regis and Kelly.  Do a quick scan of the house, putting things where they go as I move along.  Clean the bathroom, do a nother load of laundry, load the dishwasher, sort through various outgrown baby clothes and toys to load up for storage or Goodwill.  Clean out the “crap” room that has been loading up with bits and pieces of various junk that goes nowhere else.  Willy nilly throwing away of anything and everything I can get away with.  Vacuum, dust.  Mop the kitchen floor (oh, my poor, poor floors…)  and shampoo the carpets.  Take a quick bite of lunch and cruise around online again.  Shower.  Start supper.  Go through bills and finances (oh, my poor, poor finances…).  Go get the boy from daycare, feeling guilty that I sent him there on my day off at all.


Filed under adoption, mamahood, not much

Baby Dust/Baby Lust

I believe that there is no comparison between the pain of infertility and the pain of relinquishment.  I’ve only been through the infertility part.  But relinquishment pain has got to be more excruciating, especially when a person’s been told they will eventually get over it, or have been pretty much demanded to get over it.  For all the things I’m probably pretty naïve about and unaware of, I do get that.   

I’ve not suffered through miscarriages, I’ve not (thus far) undergone any procedures more horrible than a laparoscopy.  I haven’t had severe reactions to the hormones and other medications I’ve tried.  Heck, the nurse at the RE even told me time and again that I have a “nice, fluffy uterine lining.”  Wow, how’s that for high praise…and way too much information?  Point is, even though I’ve had it relatively easy in this department, and I know many women haven’t, infertility has been and to some extent continues to be a big deal to me.  It affects my life.  It effects my emotions.  It effects how I relate to other people.  It impacts my work and my understanding of others.  At this moment, thank God, it does not rule my life.  I pray it doesn’t in the future.  It doesn’t wholly define me, but it is one part of who I am.  One little part.   

If I am going to be truthful, I’ve gotta say that I don’t feel done mothering babies yet.  There’s something in my heart and brain, something organic that drives that feeling.  Nature tells me that I’m a mother, even though my body disagrees. 

Some folks don’t understand that drive…they don’t “get” why someone like me, who has plenty of other people in her life to love and care for, feels the need to have/parent a(nother) baby.  It boggles their minds why someone like me just can’t get over it.  If I adopt, I may be accused of causing trauma to lots of people, and perhaps I have.  Perhaps I hope to avoid that in the future by not adopting again.  If I pursue infertility treatments instead, I may be accused of having baby lust.  Perhaps instead, some think that people like me should just chuck it all and just get over it.  Maybe find a job in daycare.  Some of those folks that might tell me this are the same ones that either lost their babies or their parents through adoption.  When they’ve been told to get over their loss–that they’re not entitled to it…well, that’s a big deal, and it makes total sense to me why this would be more than upsetting to them, and why they speak out against it.  Their loss is cellular.  Getting over it doesn’t make sense.  Nor would it be kind of me to say to them to just go work with kids, volunteer at a pet center, hug your nieces and nephews…those things might enhance their lives, but certainly doesn’t replace that core emptiness.   

And FINALLY, on to my point… 

Loss can come in varying degrees, different people have different skills for managing grief after loss.  Loss is personal.  Each person’s perspective is different.  We all get there at different times.  Some of us hang on to our grief because it is a comfort to be able to stay angry—anger is energy and energy pushes change.  Some of us don’t like the way the anger has changed us, so we look to find a different way to cope.  But some losses, as you know, you don’t get over.  You find a way to work it into your life, move beyond it, turn it to something positive, or at least whittle it down so its not so negative.  You live with it and hopefully accept it, but sometimes getting over it just doesn’t happen.  Its not wrong, its not right.  It just is.   

What must be done among us to be able to recognize one another’s pain and loss and respect each other, if not for our resulting actions or beliefs, but for the humanity that we all share in the experience of loss?


Filed under adoption, birthparents, grief, infertility, adoption, mamahood, motherhood, reflection

Time Flies

I’m still playing over so many of things that happened over the weekend, things we discussed and maybe a few still left to discuss.  But still…amazing we are where we are today.  My heart is very full.  You’ve given us and Woob many gifts just by your presence, not to mention your ability to just be straight up and honest about so many things. 

But what touches me the most, and leaves me feeling so…sad?…undone?…sorry…is your sentiment that you just don’t know what took you so long to get in touch with us.  That one little statement is so packed with information, isn’t it?  On one hand, I’m happy to hear it, because its you saying, “hey, you guys aren’t scary after all, this isn’t as hard as I thought it would be.”  I love that.  But in typical adoption fashion, for every cool thing that happens, there’s loss behind it.  In order for you to make a statement like that to me, you had to lose big time.  A whole year of your baby’s life.  Gosh, I’m grieving his swiftly passing babyhood and I’ve been here the whole time watching it, I can’t imagine the loss of not having been there at all.  I heard you make the comment, “I want him to be a baby again…”  I do too, for my sake and for yours. 

But he’s growing.  Happily and healthfully.  And he’s wonderful and smart and loving and good.  And perhaps if we can remember the losses from before, it will help us to prevent more in the future.  I’m so glad you’re here now.


Filed under adoption, birthparents, mamahood, motherhood, open adoption

Oh, Happy Birthday to Me…

I am only four days into my 38th year, and I’ll be darned if my back didn’t go out this morning.  Getting ready to leave for my annual birthday brunch with the in-laws, I bent down to pick up the Woob and when I stood up, I felt a crack in my lower back and knew that I was done for.  Its not the first time this has happened, but it is the first time it has been injured to this extent while handling the baby.  It makes me feel terribly old for one thing, but also sad.  This afternoon I did everything I could to care for myself and loosen the thing up, but no amount of cold compress, pain reliever or taking it easy will make it okay to pick my boy up right now. 

On a sweeter note, the same day I turned 38, Woob turned 18 months.  Yep, I blinked, and there it went.  The tiny baby we just brought home (just yesterday??) can now count to 10, fill in some of the ABCs, sing along to Snuggle Puppy, climb into the bathtub himself, use a fork, run, voice his opinion on some things, and has 12 teeth.  Oh, and something sweet he’s just started, is when he wants me to look at something, he’ll come grab my hand and lead me along.  I LOVE holding hands with my little guy–simply bliss.  I’d follow him anywhere.

So as I sit here with my ice pack watching the Emmy’s, and contemplate calling in sick to work tomorrow, I have to say I’m looking forward to what the rest of this year has to bring, and where my little Woob is going to lead me next.


Filed under adoption, birthdays, mamahood