Category Archives: grief

Talking into the Wind

NOTE:  I wrote this post before I realized the Open Adoption Roundtable #47 was about stalled adoption relationships.  And boy, is ours stalled!  This is the first post I’ve written in eons.  I have to tell you, it felt good to write it, despite the fact that its such a sad thing for my family.  Maybe its time to step back in to blogworld…

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts about open adoption. It’s designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

ttp://openadoptionbloggers.com/2013/05/08/roundtable-47-restarting-a-stalled-relationship/

 

Christmas, 2011:   Mama2Roo and Woob visit Mama N. and the girls at their house.  We exchange small gifts, catch up, laugh, wonder over the kids and how fast they’re growing.  We eat pizza at the nearby Pizza Hut, and go back to the house to get the little girls down for a nap.  No one naps.  Instead we have a Nerf Gun war.  M2R and Woob leave tired and happy, as all exchange hugs, kisses and promises to get together again very soon.  M2R receives text message a few hours later from Mama N. making sure of a safe return home.

Last night (May 9, 2013):  Woob has been in bed about 15 minutes.  As is his usual habit, he comes out of his room, delaying bedtime yet again.  “Woob, what are you doing out of bed?”  He climbs next to me on the couch and whispers, “Mom, I really miss my sisters and my mom.  I really want to see them sometime soon, can we?  Its been such a long time.”

So here we are, a place I didn’t really think we’d ever be.  I mean, I guess I always knew there was a possibility that we’d hit some kind of wall, take some kind of break.  I suppose I thought that if that ever happened, I’d have some kind of warning, or precipitating event.  Something.  But there wasn’t.  It just…ended.

 I’m feeling pretty sick about the whole thing.  At first, I was able to shrug it off as, “she’s really busy,” or “her computer must not be working.”  Over a period of months, this past year and a half of trying various means to reach her–emails, facebook, cards and letters, texting, calling, offers to travel, offers to host–I’m no longer in denial.  If she doesn’t want ME around, I get that, and am cool with it.  But Woob is no longer a baby.  He’s seven and smart.  He knows these people and loves them, despite their distance and that fact that he’s seen them no more than a few times a year.  He knows these people are HIS in a way that our family is not.  So my heart breaks for him every single time he mentions them or asks if we can go visit them or wonders why they’ve been silent.

I have become the mom who wonders if it was the right thing to want openness.

I have become the mom that contemplates lying to her son by writing him a letter and signing her name.

I have become the mom that tries to make excuses for the person who isn’t there.

I have become the mom that has done everything short of begging (perhaps I have begged a little bit), that this person just throw our kid one little crumb of something .

I feel ugly about all of the above.

Make no mistake.  My head knows that we aren’t the only ones in this equation, that there are hard emotional hurts that have to be tended to.  That maybe sometimes its just too hard to see what was, what could have been, what should have been if only…  My intent is not to be insensitive to that.  But my boy is hurting now, too, and my mama’s heart is shattered and doesn’t really know what to do next to help.

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Filed under adoption, grief, open adoption

Open Adoption Round Table #21: Holiday Traditions

The Open Adoption Roundtable is a series of occasional writing prompts designed to showcase of the diversity of thought and experience in the open adoption community. You don’t need to be listed at Open Adoption Bloggers to participate or even be in a traditional open adoption. If you’re thinking about openness in adoption, you have a place at the table. The prompts are meant to be starting points–please feel free to adapt or expand on them.

Publish your response–linking back to this post so your readers can browse other participating blogs–and leave a link to your post in the comments. Using a previously published post is perfectly fine; I’d appreciate it if you’d add a link back to the roundtable. If you don’t blog, you can always leave your thoughts directly in the comments.

How do open adoption and holiday traditions intersect in your life?

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I hadn’t really thought that much yet about how our  Christmas traditions have been impacted by open adoption, or adoption at all–I didn’t get the chance to ponder it much but then something happened at our house this week that smacked me right in the eyes and speaks again to the losses that families (ours included) need to be able to recognize and walk through with our children, yes, even during our holiday season.

I love love love love love all the old Christmas shows that come on during the month of December, from Grinch to Frosty and all the Heat Miser/Rudolph/Santa Claus stop motion shows from the late 60’s and 70’s.  I remember watching them all when I was Woob’s age and it was always an event at our house since it was pre-cable and pre-VHS where now we can watch what we want when we want and kids’ TV shows take top billing at our house now.  I have wanted Woob to enjoy these shows too, and look forward to them each year, and then when he’s older, look back on them as a lovely part of his childhood.

So I’ve been introducing these shows to Woob each year.  Sometimes he would watch halfway while he was playing, others he would watch, but not really “get” the subtext.  He was a bit too young.  But THIS year…THIS is the year we’ve been waiting for where Christmas is Exciting!  Santa is Coming!  It’s the Baby Jesus’ Birthday!  There’s Christmas Shows on EVERY NIGHT (Thank you, ABC Family!)!!  The other night I turned one on.  A really poor computer animated spin off of Rudolph, called called “The Island of Misfit Toys”.  Harmless, right?  (WHY DIDN’T I PICK UP ON THE “MISFIT” THEME??)

A quick synopsis:  The “Evil Toy Taker” has stolen all the toys from Santa, and the Island of Misfit Toys, and Rudolph needs to catch the Evil Toy Taker to save Christmas.  Except when they catch and unmask the Toy Taker, it turns out it is an old, old sweet and worn out little teddy bear (Mr. Cuddles) who had been thrown out in the garbage when his boy outgrew him.  He was only taking the toys to spare them the heartbreak of being rejected by their children.  But the way Mr. Cuddles told his story was HEARTBREAKING.   Watch the clip all the way to the end and you’ll see what I mean. 

As we are watching this unfold, I see my little Woob on the couch next to me beginning to sob silently.  He was so into the moment.  He continued to watch as Santa told him that his boy didn’t mean to throw him away, that his boy loved him and had been looking for him and wanted to give Mr. Cuddles to his own little girl to love.  He continued to watch as they took Cuddles to Queen someone-or-other to sew him up and make him just like new again.  He continued to watch as Santa delivered sweet Mr. Cuddles into the arms of the little girl as she slept in her bed, and woke happily to snuggle on him while her father watched with satisfaction and love.  Christmas was saved as all the stolen toys were delivered to their waiting children.

For the next hour, over and over again Woob asked (still occcasionally crying) “why did they throw that bear in the trash?,” “why didn’t that boy want him anymore?” “why did the ToyTaker steal all the toys?” “Why was he in the garbage?” “Why was Mr. Cuddles the Toy Taker?”   He could not be consoled at the happy ending or the revelation that it was just an unfortunate accident that poor Mr. Cuddles got tossed into the landfill (which they showed, while Mr. Cuddles sang that he “felt ashamed.”)  This, my friends, is not the Christmas warm fuzzies I was looking for that night!  In my heart I believed that Woob was of course processing his adoption stuff, trying to make sense of his story and Mr. Cuddles’.   Its at this point I think it would be a good idea to shoot the TV set and leave it for dead.  I figured it was going to be a long night.

Well over an hour after the show was over and I was going through the bedtime routine with Woob, he panicked a little when he realized he had left his favorite Care Bear in his nap cubby at daycare (All Alone!  In the Dark!  He’ll be so Lonely!).  After reassurances that Cear Bear was happy and warm, snuggling in the nap blanket, Woob dug out his “Bowtie Bear” from his blankets, caressed him, spoke sweetly to him, swaddled him in “Raggy” (Woob’s lovey), and held him close.  Finally, I had the boy calm enough to try to sleep.  He asked if his Daddy could come in, he had something to tell him.

When Papa2Roo came out (he hadn’t been around for the viewing of the program), sure enough, he said Woob was wanting to talk about his adoption.  “Hey Dad, remember when I was a little baby and you met me at the hospital?  Remember when I came home with you to live in this house? and on and on.  I don’t know exactly how the conversation went on or finished or what Papa2Roo helped him remenisce about, but it seemed to be the right thing, because Woob managed a nice, seemingly calm night of sleep and though he was still focused on the love and nurtuing care of BowTie Bear (who is now affectionately named Mr. Cuddles, by the way), had a better handle on his emotions.  The bear went with him to daycare, still swaddled and he told the whole story about the Toy Taker to his teacher, who I encouraged to allow him to nurture the little bear as much as he needed to that day.

Exhausting.  Unexpected.  But right there, in-your-face-grief over the fact that he was giventakenstolentossed away.  How to combat that?  I honestly don’t know.  I DO know that his first mom loves him, and I know that he gets to experience that love first hand, even if not very often in person, thanks to Open Adoption.  I don’t think I or she will be able to combat those feelings, really.  It will be up to him to decide what his story means to him, how he perceives our actions and presence and words, and up to him to work out whether he thinks he was given, taken, stolen, or tossed away. 

I do know this:  adoption and open adoption continually remind us–we who were raised in our birth families–that there is much we take for granted and much we need to be contually alert and sensitive to when it comes to our children who were not.  We don’t have the luxury now of  simply saying, “that’s just pretend,” or “that never happens,” because in their eyes and hearts it has, right here in real life.  Cheesy animated stories during the “happy” holidays are no different.

On a happier note, we did manage to watch the “Frosty the Snowman” special in which he takes a wife, and it was startlingly sweet and not too sad, and it made me happy that I decided on to shoot the TV after the Rudolph episode after all.

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Filed under adoption, grief, open adoption

Overview

How can nearly a month have passed since I’ve written here? Time is flying so quickly and so many things happen in a weeks’ time, I don’t know how to keep track of it all. I’ve been feeling out of my element quite often lately—juggling to many things with too few hands it seems. I’m sure that there’s been lots I could’ve said within this forum ove the past several weeks, but sometimes its just easier to gloss over the high (or low) points that to really dig in and examine things closely. Here’s my gloss:

Work—
Totally and completely overwhelmed. My plate is becoming way too full lately with different projects and shifts in funding being necessary. This will never change as long as I work in the non-profit world, especially in this kind of economy. Hooray, I have a job! This is truly a blessing, but some days it seems like I’ll never win the race—and have you seen my office lately?? Total tornado.

Home—
Speaking of tornados, it looks like one hit the inside of my house, too. Between being tired and less-than-motivated after work, we’ve been spending more time outside with the warming weather. Even when we’re inside, it seems like everything is a race. Get home, get dinner on the table, give the boy a bath, put in laundry, play, do potty/nighttime routines, read a story, put to bed, crash. Somehow sweeping, dusting, wiping, scrubbing don’t fit into that routine very well.

Boy—
Greatest person in my life. But he’s three. He’s the most tiring person in my life ;). He’s becoming independent, smart and strong. He’s got an awesome sense of humor and energy. He’s becoming, in some ways, so much easier to take places and do things with. But then in some ways it can be harder at times. We’re doing pretty darn good with potty training, this week really focusing on pooping in the potty. We’re working towards a really cool reward. They had Leapsters on sale at TRU for $30 this week. He wants one in the worst way. I bought one, without his knowledge, but he will earn one after pooping in the potty ten times (ten stickers on the chart). In the two days since the master plan has been put into place, he has three stickers! Two of those stickers were instigated by his own admission that he had to go, which is AWESOME! Still won’t poop on the potty at school, though. Also, we MIGHT start swimming lessons Saturday if the instructor feels that Woob is mature enough to participate…we shall see. He is finally settled into a really nice groove in his new classroom (twice the number of kids, all 3, 4, and 5 years old). The transition was TOUGH, not just on him, but on us as well.

Couple stuff—
Spent the entire evening yesterday in totally separate rooms because its BASEBALL SEASON! Here begins our separation for the next several months. We did go out on a date a few weekends ago. Our babysitter who we and Woob love, will be going back home for the summer though, making it even more rare to take in dinner or a movie.

Health stuff—
I don’t think I’ve mentioned this to anyone, and its really only sinking in right now, that hubby’s health is significantly compromised, though you can’t tell from looking at him. Last year, he was diagnosed with COPD. Don’t ask me how this came about because he has absolutely NONE of the risk factors associated with the disease, yet his lung capacity is decreasing. Asthma has been ruled out, and allergies have been treated and no longer exist. Just a diagnosis of COPD, which has no real treatment. Dr. Google tells me that it is highly possible that in 10 years, maybe a few more or less, I might not have a husband anymore. Woob might not have a daddy. What the hell is that all about?

Adoption stuff—
I’m a little sad that I haven’t gotten any response from N. regarding Woob’s birthday pictures. He thinks about her a lot, and asks about her, and asks to talk to her sometimes. So the other night, I agreed to call her and let him talk for a minute. The voicemail picked up and Woob left a sweet message: “Hi, N! I went to Monsters vs. Aliens. Bob is my favorite. I pee in the potty. Its me, Woob! Bye!” That was nearly a week ago, with no response. Regardless of the fact that I get it that she might be super busy or she might be having a hard time with adoption stuff or what have you, the fact is I don’t KNOW these things are the case in why she wouldn’t respond. I don’t KNOW anything, because we have this whole move in close/pull way back thing going on. So when there’s communication, there’s good communication, but when its’ lacking, its NONEXISTENT. So I spend a lot of time guessing. But it also breaks my heart that he wants to connect with her and then it doesn’t happen. I did get the impression based on her Mspace today that things might be rocky at home lately and living arrangements may be changing yet again. Which makes me sad, both for her and for her girls. I wish for them all to have some stability for more than just weeks or months at a time.

Another thing related to Woob wanting to connect… We haven’t done a lot of talking in our house about Woob’s firstfather, given that we’ve never met him, and he’s never claimed paternity. We don’t specifically know where he is, though we do have a name and a picture. I realize we’re not really doing Woob any favors, but we’re still working on the whole firstmom relationship and trying to make those connections clear for him. Anyway, remember a few months ago Woob was asking me “Where’s my mom?” and meaning N? Well, the other day he came to me and said “I want to talk to my mom and dad. I want to call my mom and dad.” That was the first time he referenced a dad independently. Wow. We need to get working on his lifebook, seriously, so we can tell his story in a very structured way and fall back on it when things get confusing. Somebody, please kick my butt into gear on the whole lifebook thing!!

…Which leads us to a little project I did this week and saved in my computer files…There was one picture I took of Woob during his birthday party that looks SO much like another picture I have of N. So I took them and put them on the same page, side by side. There is another picture taken at daycare during Woob’s birthday party there. It looks exactly like the one picture we have of his first dad. I put those two pictures side by side. There is absolutely no mistaking that he has a big part of each of his parents’ looks within him. It’s a very cool thing to see. Don’t really know what to do with it other than keep it, make it part of his lifebook maybe? It just seems important to have those comparisons.

Other stuff—
I’ve been desperately needing something to look forward to since the whole last year of Really Hard Things—miscarriage, brother in law dying, P2R’s diagnosis, various episodes of family discord, and our cat dying. We’re pulling together vacation plans for June. Beach vacation plans. Quite possibly even CHEAP vacation plans! The beach is healing for me and I often hear it calling my name. I can’t wait!

And then, when we get back from vacation, we’re going to find us some kittens! Woobie needs some kittens to grow up with and they are so sweet and fun. We cat-sat my boss’ kitty this week and it was nice to have a little fuzzer around, so we’re going to go for it!

And THAT, my friends, is where my head has been lately.

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Filed under adoptee, adoption, birthparents, grief, miscarriage, open adoption

What Could’ve Been / What Is

And here it is…my would’ve been due date.  It didn’t really sneak up on me, as its always kind of in the corner of my mind, but I haven’t really allowed it its full impact for awhile.  There will be time for that on my road trip this afternoon, if its going to get me today.  Its hard to believe that nine months have passed…

And as always, within this space of time, life has gone on in so many ways.  Friends and co-workers have gone on to adopt, become pregnant, give birth to children.  Just today, an online friend is going in for a frozen egg transfer (fingers crossed, Emily!!).  I’m so happy for them all.  But when things like that fall so close to my own datelines, I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to be going to the hospital today for a final checkup, or be in labor, or going in for a C-section.  I will always wonder what those things would have been like.  I don’t feel selfish about that, just feel like its a natural thing to do, to wonder, to daydream, to grieve. 

Of course, some things can make it a little harder along the way…recently me and Woob were out to eat with a close family member.  Woob was being a little stink.  Family member was chuckling and said, “Just think, if your IVF would have ‘taken,’ what you would have to deal with!”  Haha, yes, so very funny (NOT).  FYI–the IVF did ‘take,’ and for a short period of time, there was a baby, our baby, growing inside me.  It was very real.  And I would have taken the responsibility very seriously.  And we would have been just fine, thank you.  Financially strapped and sleep deprived and irritable and happy and fulfilled.  Just fine.  People just don’t think sometimes. 

There was a time when I would’ve tried to keep the infertility stuff on the other blog, but its long since been abandoned and unloved.  And I realize that the infertility stuff and the adoption stuff are so interrelated, that its silly to separate them right now. 

Like the other people in my life, things are moving forward for N. as well. As I was approaching my never-to-be-realized due date last week, I found out that we will, in fact be adding to our extended family once again.  N. is expecting.  SOON.  Woob will again be a big brother to a little sister.  The little girls will be almost exactly one year apart.  We had been so out of touch lately, and when I found out the news I immediately panicked about the whole situation with the baby’s dad (outlined in a password protected post).  Once I was able to get more info, the panic melted away, and I’m in a better place with it.  And I’m also relieved in another way.  I initially was having trouble deciphering whether my feelings about this pregnancy were my own jealousy, grief, etc., spilling out onto N.  Overall, I don’t think so.  Once I learned that N. and babies would be safe and provided for, everything evened out for me.    Among other things related to adoption and infertility, both certainly lend themselves to a lot of second guessing about my own feelings and their origins, and it can get rather tiring.

So that’s the state of the union today…a baby that wasn’t to be, going alone on a road trip away from the baby I have, and a new baby on the way.

11 Comments

Filed under adoption, birthparents, grief, infertility, adoption, motherhood, open adoption, reflection

Hi, Remember Me?

It’s been awhile, I know, but I’ve been right here all along, living and working and mommying and stressing.  I’ve had little to say and less time to say it.  The past month and a half have been incredibly busy, crazy, stressful, with a little bit of good stuff sprinkled in here and there, and for those moments I am so grateful.

After DH’s brother died and all was said and done with the funeral, there was still so much to do (I still haven’t sent the thank you notes I have sitting on the table!).  The brothers had to travel back to Texas to clear out his apartment and make sense of other affairs, the estate, making connections with each other and the friends he left behind.  Can you believe they traveled from Indiana to Dallas to Indiana between Friday and Sunday, sold a car, cleared an apartment, and driving through a hurricane (Ike), and went back to work on Monday?  Crazy times.  So little time for grieving, ya know? 

Anyway, between traveling, going to funerals, and all kinds of other things that needed to be done without a kiddo around, Woob got off track.  It was so hard for him to make sense of things, where we were going, who would be picking him up next from daycre, etc.  No matter how hard you try, and how familiar he is with the people he was with (grandparents, aunts and uncles), it seems it rocked him to the core.  There were mornings I’d get him up out of bed, and even if I was the one who put him to bed the night before, he would exclaim with surprise, “You came back!”  He did that several times over a period of weeks, both with me and his dad.  I’m sure that would strike any parent’s heart, but I am all too aware that in the midst of all this he’s starting to put things together about adoption and such, and I worry so much about how he perceives it when we go away.  I can easily say, “Mommy will always come back, because I love you so much, I could never stay away.”  But is that enough of a reassurance when he sarts to understand that he was once “left” by his firstmom, even though she loves him very much?  How to make the distrinction real for him other than to consistently, truly come back. 

So, in the middle of all the other stuff, we’ve also had conferences out of town, where one or the other of us would be gone overnight, so again, even though there’s consistency with one person, he’s made it very clear that he wants us BOTH here ALL THE TIME.  His moods were erratic; he was sensitive about everything, and he’s still fighting going to daycare each morning, which made it all the harder.  After a few weeks, we were hesitant to go anywhere without him, because he needed the stability of us around. 

Other than the daycare thing, the past 2 weeks have been a little smoother around the house, and not so smooth for either of us at work.  And looking back a little, DH and I realized that we have not gone out together alone with each other, since EARLY JULY.  Erm…its the beginning of OCTOBER.  Not good at all.  After about a 2 second discussion, we decided that it would be in our best interest, and Woob’s best interest, to find a babysitter and just GO.  No matter that we have no money at all (did I mention the HUGE OVERDRAFT notice with the many, many fees that came in the mail last week?!? Debit cards are the devil.)  There’s relief in just thinking about going and doing something with just us. 

My coworker is about to have her baby, and I realized that if things had turned out differently, I would have only about 7 weeks left in my pregnancy.  Most often, it doesn’t really bother me, but lately I’ve been really sad about that.  I suppose the loss upon loss is nudging that on a little.  I’m back to sometimes feeling weepy walking through the baby section in w*lm*rt sometimes–feeling like a jerk about it.  It probably can’t help that my “baby” is growing and now is in a big boy bed and I gave all his crib and bedding things to a niece a few weeks ago.  Our baby is gone as we knew him.  Replaced by a cute,smart little energetic, independent minded, handsome little dude who we love and laugh at all the time.  Thus, me feeling like a jerk, cause really, what right do I have to want or need more than that?  I really am a greedy b*tch sometimes, ya know?  So all those of you who are reading this that are contemplating adoption, heed the word of those doing your home study training:  ADOPTION DOES NOT CURE INFERTILITY NOR YOUR DESIRE FOR MORE CHILDREN.  I am forever blessed to have the perfect child I have, but will pobably hold on to some sadness forever that there weren’t more.

Okay, depressed enough reading about my life??  Let’s lighten up a little, then.  A few weeks ago when I went to my conference in Indy, I got to meet two of my forum/bloggy/adoptive mom buddies (Mich and Stork)whom I’ve *known* for 3-4 years??  They both have great kids in the same age range as Woob, just a little older.  It was so good to see their smiling faces for real instead of on the screen and play with their babies.  They already know each other IRL, so their kids enjoyed playing together.  I wish mine would have been there, too.  BUT, I got to hold Michele’s little-tiny-but-growing-so-fast baby A, who gave me the gift of smiles and coos while I talked baby talk and looked into his sweet little eyes <insert heart melting here>.  And as Stork wrote about here so well, it was great to talk to other aparents in person who “get it” about caring for kids’ firstparents, finding ways to meet the challenges that open adoption can bring, finding ways to take care of ourselves and just “be.”  Having somebody who didn’t just freak the heck out with the mere mention of N’s name, because of who she is.  It was nice and easy and the pizza was good.  <waves to Mich and Stork>

And the transition to big boy bed has gone incredibly well!  I’m in the process of reorganizing the layout of the room and doing cute things to the walls, so that’s fun, but again, a process.

And I got a new red purse.

And tonight i’m going out with my best guy to do something fun.  🙂

And I’m RAMBLING.  You can stop reading now.  Really.  I’m done.  😀

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Filed under adoption, birthparents, grief, motherhood, open adoption

Uncle2Roo

I think I mentioned somewhere way back in a previous post about Woob’s special uncle.  He lives hours and hours away and a few years ago, just months before Woob was born, he was diagnosed with a form of liver cancer.  He’s been through all the normal treatments at the best hospitals that treat it.  He’s been through chemo and radiation with mixed results.  He’s gone on to some of the newest and state-of-the-art procedures and treatments there are, with less than stellar outcomes.  For the better part of the past year, I guess, he’s been on experimental trials as a last resort, that has been somewhat holding the tumors at bay, but in the meantime, they are still there, they are wreaking havoc on his whole system, and along with the meds he’s taking for the treatment and the meds he’s taking for the pain, he has become a very sick person.  A 50 something bachelor, formerly robust, active, and strong, just a year ago building large, fine homes, dating women and doing pretty much whatever he wanted, whenever he wanted, is now on disability, has no “people” to speak of, and is losing so much weight from the constant vomiting and diarrhea that he’s down to 120 pounds.  He’s confused from the lack of electrolytes and malnutrition and the effects of his medication.  As if that wasn’t enough, he was diagnosed earlier this week with an 8 cm abscess on his liver which hopefully was treated yesterday in a way that the infection won’t spread.  There’s more I could tell, but what’s the point.  Bottom line is, things are bad and its not fair and I fear that soon, Woob will be missing his special uncle, his namesake, and someone who loves him so much.

Please, pray, send positive energy…whatever you think will help.  There are family members who flew out yesterday to be with him and our hopes are soon we’ll be moving him here, even though he has been against that for so long.  I want him to know there are people around him, I want him to have someone able to check on him every day.  I don’t want him to be alone at the end, if indeed, the end is near.

5 Comments

Filed under adoption, grief

This and That

Hi, gang, I’m really here.  Really.  I read you every day.  I’ve been at a loss for anything really to say lately on my own, but wanting to comment or respond on this blog to some of your own posts.  Between having some busy weeks, grieving a little, and focusing on my little man, there hasn’t been much time or energy.  But here I am again, feeling like there should be a LOT to say.  But I need to crawl out of my shell a little; become part of the conversation again, ya know?  So today, since I’m home from work with a terribly sore throat, cough, and laryngitis, I thought I’d a least type out a few words.

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THIS is where we are vacationing in just a little over 4 weeks.  The whole fam damley and then some (I think about 17 of us) will be traveling to Outer Banks and spending what I hope will be a glorious week on the beach.  Woob LUVS sand, so I’m hoping the oceanside with a bucket and shovel will be his dream come true–I know its mine, and its much needed.  It will be our first REAL vacation (non working) with the three of us, and I hope just the first of many, many more.

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My little Woobie is growing and his language is growing as fast as the grass in my lawn!  “I hurt my knee,” “Throw it away, Mommy,” and “I’m workin’ on it.”  He’s been so much fun to watch and play with.  A real outside loving kind of boy.  I’ve got lots of pictures of things we’ve been doing lately.  Some of the most recent ones are on my other blog, and if you want the address to that blog, you can email me at zoobitydoo at yahoo dot com.  I think he’s delicious!  Now that I’ve learned how to post pics on WordPress, perhaps I’ll set up a few protected posts and share with you.  I do like to remain somewhat anon on this blog, though and keep the two separate.

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Yesterday we ran into someone we hadn’t seen in years.  She was of course admiring the cuteness that is Woob, and asked, “Is he your only one?”  I cringed a little bit to say yes, knowing that more than likely he will be the only one ever.  But then it was okay, really.  If a person has to have ONLY one child, he’s the one to have!  He really is my life right now and I’m easing into the thought that we will always be a family of three. 

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I think the cost of gas is catching up to us.  I just did my checkbook and am sickened by the emptiness of my bank account.  We really must start paying more attention to what we’re doing financially. Especially as the husband is talking about building a house in the somewhat foreseeable future.  Ugh–I’ve never had an ulcer, but now sounds like a good time to start!

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