All through our day’s of infertility craziness, the phrase “if it’s meant to be, it will happen” was something I held onto for some form of comfort. As a Christian I had been taught that God has a plan for all of us, we just aren’t always let in on the secret until He’s ready for us to play our part. So we held on. Eventually, as it was obvious that we would NOT conceive, not without some fancy medical intervention, we came to the conclusion that it must not be God’s will for us. He had other plans.
Fast forward to adoption. We prayed to God that he bless us with a baby to love and care for. Constantly. We held on to “if it’s meant to be…” We looked for signs and prayed some more. One Sunday, wrestling with God’s will, I knelt in Church and asked my God that if it was His will for me to be childless, to please help me accept my childlessness and move on. Quite literally, at that moment,
my cell phone rang
Not even kidding. It was T. calling to tell us about you. Asking us if we’d talk to you that day. Telling us about a boy that was due to be born in just one month.
a sign from God–God’s will–this was meant to be
The rest of that story is the past year’s history. A year to live as an adoptive parent. A year to talk to others, learn and grow, change my thinking. A year to try to understand God better. After all that, I’ve come to a few conclusions about God’s will as I’ve tried to relate it to adoption, that somewhat surprise me. I’m no theologian, however, and my thinking is often faulty and circular so bear with me here.
First, I’m not even sure you can really talk specifically about adoption being God’s will. I still believe that God has a plan for us, but I think its a general plan rather than a quite specific one. I picture it this way…We make specific choices based on our own human will. Somehow He allows us to do this, for better or for worse. He asks us to make choices that will benefit us and others both in this world and in the next. Choices that include compassion, love, caring, forgiveness, all that kind of stuff. I think that His will lies in how he wants us to live within the choices we made. If God’s will was more specific than that, (like I was predestined to adopt THIS particular child at THIS particular time…) then somehow God’s good will toward me cancels out His good will for someone else. For my predestined good fortune to occur, that would mean that God had also predestined someone else to have to take a fall, go through pain, suffer indignity… My faith doesn’t allow me to think in those terms. Instead, you made a choice for whatever reason to make an adoption plan with us. We accepted this plan and this child.
And yet, I feel incredibly blessed that we were brought together, that our family was formed with THIS particular child. I feel that God’s hand is definitely in there along the way, but I’m still struggling with exactly how. Perhaps his hand is there on my shoulder and on yours, just guiding us through the decisions that we both made, helping us to be the best parents we can be to the Woobie, each in our own way. I welcome and need that hand on my shoulder. And I hope that you feel like His hand is on yours as well.