To Be the Perfect Mother

Oh, how I long to be a perfect parent.  Well, not even a perfect one, but a BETTER one.  Sure, I make dinner and clean house, and love on my baby and come when he’s hurt…all the good, nurturing mommy things.  But lately, my patience is just too thin, and my young son’s defiance independence is coming out, and all too often I hear myself doing that thing that my mother did to me–the yelling, cajoling, fussing and lecturing.  Ugh.  I hate that version of me.  And I’m sure Woob does too.  So I’m airing it here for all of you to see–maybe a form of self-flagellation?–because I’m sure I’m not the only one (AM I??).  And I’m hoping we moms can help each other with some words of wisdom.  What helps you keep your cool?  What helps you keep the limits that you set, for yourselves and your kids?  What is it that stops you from losing it when the power struggles start?  See, the thing is I know the “answers” about not engaging in power struggles, using humor, inclusion, taking a nurturing stance, a learning stance…all those nice textbooky kinds of things, but heavens, I still struggle with it.

I have a great, sweet, loving little boy.  He is my heart. I need to pull it together so he knows it.

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9 Comments

Filed under adoption

9 responses to “To Be the Perfect Mother

  1. Coco

    Well, it used to be wine. Now it’s chocolate.

    I’m kidding.

    Kind of.

    Seriously, though, I think we all have those moments – we wish we could be more patient, more present, more attentive, whatevs. What I’ve been trying to do is really own when I’ve flubbed it, apologizing where it’s appropriate, and soldiering on. Because really, who is perfect? No one. I guarantee Woob loves you a thousand times more than he’d love some creepy stepford-mom version of you!

    • M.

      Coco–you always have the best words of wisdom mixed with humor! I”m glad you switched from wine to chocolate (more wine for me??). I’m kidding. Kind of. 😉

      • Coco

        Absolutely more wine for you! Somebody has to drink the wine. Think of the vintners! *wrings hands dramatically*

  2. susiebook

    It sounds like you’re doing great, honestly–even if there are times when you aren’t your best self (and of course there are, that just means that you’re human), you’re always mindful and you always love him. That’s better than my mom managed, to be honest.

    • M.

      Thanks Susie…I love him more than he’ll ever know. My humanity just pisses me off every once in awhile. I’m apparently a control freak who loses control (or feels like it), which is so frustrating. Wondering if I would parent differently or at least assess my parenting differently as a bio parent vs adoptive parent…I mean, we are billed as “stable, loving, nurturing parents…blah blah blah”–my profile at the agency never said “M. is a lovely lady who occasionally feels like losing it around young children.” At times I feel like such a fraud.

  3. cynthia

    All I can say is, good lord. You are NOT the only one out there. I could have written this post this weekend. Actually, I kind of did.

  4. KimKim

    Didn’t raise mine but I have this problem sometimes with teaching. Feel impatient ect. It’s just a question of not overloading. Sounds like good old fashioned tiredness. Ask for help, delegate tasks, employ a house cleaner, more breaks and time for yourself.
    I don’t let myself get overloaded anymore and it’s made a huge difference to my patience. I also make sure to eat enough, and eat well.
    Hope it’s ok to offer advice even though I never raised mine.

    • M.

      That’s good advice. Oh, Kim, how I LONG to hire someone to clean my house (tho its not gonna happen $$! But I think you’re right about tiredness and patience and overload. When i wrote that, Woob was having an especially hard time all week which was trickling its way to me. Amazing how I can be (FEEL) simply a perfect mom when everyone around me is already happy 🙂

  5. KimKim

    One thing I do know about being a mother is that guilt is a big part of it. I didn’t raise her but I am in reunion for seven or more years. I try my best to be a good mother in *that* situation. Respect her boundaries, respect the fact that she has parents and loves them, be sensitive to the fact that she is adopted and has to deal with those issues. Not assume ect ect.

    It’s not the same but I do make mistakes and then make amends. We are only human. I think the people that love us know that and forgive that.

    It’s also good to look at all the wonderful things you are and do as a mother.

    Give Woob a big hug from me. I think you are a really nice person.

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