What Could’ve Been / What Is

And here it is…my would’ve been due date.  It didn’t really sneak up on me, as its always kind of in the corner of my mind, but I haven’t really allowed it its full impact for awhile.  There will be time for that on my road trip this afternoon, if its going to get me today.  Its hard to believe that nine months have passed…

And as always, within this space of time, life has gone on in so many ways.  Friends and co-workers have gone on to adopt, become pregnant, give birth to children.  Just today, an online friend is going in for a frozen egg transfer (fingers crossed, Emily!!).  I’m so happy for them all.  But when things like that fall so close to my own datelines, I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to be going to the hospital today for a final checkup, or be in labor, or going in for a C-section.  I will always wonder what those things would have been like.  I don’t feel selfish about that, just feel like its a natural thing to do, to wonder, to daydream, to grieve. 

Of course, some things can make it a little harder along the way…recently me and Woob were out to eat with a close family member.  Woob was being a little stink.  Family member was chuckling and said, “Just think, if your IVF would have ‘taken,’ what you would have to deal with!”  Haha, yes, so very funny (NOT).  FYI–the IVF did ‘take,’ and for a short period of time, there was a baby, our baby, growing inside me.  It was very real.  And I would have taken the responsibility very seriously.  And we would have been just fine, thank you.  Financially strapped and sleep deprived and irritable and happy and fulfilled.  Just fine.  People just don’t think sometimes. 

There was a time when I would’ve tried to keep the infertility stuff on the other blog, but its long since been abandoned and unloved.  And I realize that the infertility stuff and the adoption stuff are so interrelated, that its silly to separate them right now. 

Like the other people in my life, things are moving forward for N. as well. As I was approaching my never-to-be-realized due date last week, I found out that we will, in fact be adding to our extended family once again.  N. is expecting.  SOON.  Woob will again be a big brother to a little sister.  The little girls will be almost exactly one year apart.  We had been so out of touch lately, and when I found out the news I immediately panicked about the whole situation with the baby’s dad (outlined in a password protected post).  Once I was able to get more info, the panic melted away, and I’m in a better place with it.  And I’m also relieved in another way.  I initially was having trouble deciphering whether my feelings about this pregnancy were my own jealousy, grief, etc., spilling out onto N.  Overall, I don’t think so.  Once I learned that N. and babies would be safe and provided for, everything evened out for me.    Among other things related to adoption and infertility, both certainly lend themselves to a lot of second guessing about my own feelings and their origins, and it can get rather tiring.

So that’s the state of the union today…a baby that wasn’t to be, going alone on a road trip away from the baby I have, and a new baby on the way.

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11 Comments

Filed under adoption, birthparents, grief, infertility, adoption, motherhood, open adoption, reflection

11 responses to “What Could’ve Been / What Is

  1. (((M))) Thinking of you today.

  2. katery

    it’s so hard. i hope you are doing ok… *hugs*

  3. thanksgivingmom

    I’m so sorry that you’ve fallen victim to the evil “people who don’t think” disease. And no, it’s not selfish, you have every right to have your feelings and to experience them (believe me, this is something I’m working on myself).

    Hugs and prayers for you today.

  4. hugs to you–hope that your drive time was filled with happy thoughts. And as for the people don’t think…don’t you wish you had a remote with a “mute” button!! thinking of you!

  5. Oh, I’m so sorry. What a tough time for you.

  6. M.

    Thanks Friends! Luv you!

  7. I found you through L&F. I just wanted to let you know I was thinking of you. (((HUGS)))

  8. Huge (((((((hugs))))))) to you at what I know is a rough time. Be very very good to yourself.

  9. dannersgirl

    My baby’s would have been due date was last October. It wasn’t until it passed that I was really able to move forward, emotionally. I am so so sorry for the loss of your baby!

    My dad often says “imagine how hard this would be with TWO– sometimes things work out for the best”, and I want to slap him. Things would have worked out just fine with two, and my child died, and I don’t believe itw as necessarily ‘for the best’. But he means to be comforting, so I just let it go.

    I’m really sorry this happened to you– mine creeps back up on me at unexpected moments, and I’m sure that will happen to you too. I am thinking of you today! HUGS!

  10. M.

    Thanks, Kristi, for understanding and sharing.

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