Hi, Remember Me?

It’s been awhile, I know, but I’ve been right here all along, living and working and mommying and stressing.  I’ve had little to say and less time to say it.  The past month and a half have been incredibly busy, crazy, stressful, with a little bit of good stuff sprinkled in here and there, and for those moments I am so grateful.

After DH’s brother died and all was said and done with the funeral, there was still so much to do (I still haven’t sent the thank you notes I have sitting on the table!).  The brothers had to travel back to Texas to clear out his apartment and make sense of other affairs, the estate, making connections with each other and the friends he left behind.  Can you believe they traveled from Indiana to Dallas to Indiana between Friday and Sunday, sold a car, cleared an apartment, and driving through a hurricane (Ike), and went back to work on Monday?  Crazy times.  So little time for grieving, ya know? 

Anyway, between traveling, going to funerals, and all kinds of other things that needed to be done without a kiddo around, Woob got off track.  It was so hard for him to make sense of things, where we were going, who would be picking him up next from daycre, etc.  No matter how hard you try, and how familiar he is with the people he was with (grandparents, aunts and uncles), it seems it rocked him to the core.  There were mornings I’d get him up out of bed, and even if I was the one who put him to bed the night before, he would exclaim with surprise, “You came back!”  He did that several times over a period of weeks, both with me and his dad.  I’m sure that would strike any parent’s heart, but I am all too aware that in the midst of all this he’s starting to put things together about adoption and such, and I worry so much about how he perceives it when we go away.  I can easily say, “Mommy will always come back, because I love you so much, I could never stay away.”  But is that enough of a reassurance when he sarts to understand that he was once “left” by his firstmom, even though she loves him very much?  How to make the distrinction real for him other than to consistently, truly come back. 

So, in the middle of all the other stuff, we’ve also had conferences out of town, where one or the other of us would be gone overnight, so again, even though there’s consistency with one person, he’s made it very clear that he wants us BOTH here ALL THE TIME.  His moods were erratic; he was sensitive about everything, and he’s still fighting going to daycare each morning, which made it all the harder.  After a few weeks, we were hesitant to go anywhere without him, because he needed the stability of us around. 

Other than the daycare thing, the past 2 weeks have been a little smoother around the house, and not so smooth for either of us at work.  And looking back a little, DH and I realized that we have not gone out together alone with each other, since EARLY JULY.  Erm…its the beginning of OCTOBER.  Not good at all.  After about a 2 second discussion, we decided that it would be in our best interest, and Woob’s best interest, to find a babysitter and just GO.  No matter that we have no money at all (did I mention the HUGE OVERDRAFT notice with the many, many fees that came in the mail last week?!? Debit cards are the devil.)  There’s relief in just thinking about going and doing something with just us. 

My coworker is about to have her baby, and I realized that if things had turned out differently, I would have only about 7 weeks left in my pregnancy.  Most often, it doesn’t really bother me, but lately I’ve been really sad about that.  I suppose the loss upon loss is nudging that on a little.  I’m back to sometimes feeling weepy walking through the baby section in w*lm*rt sometimes–feeling like a jerk about it.  It probably can’t help that my “baby” is growing and now is in a big boy bed and I gave all his crib and bedding things to a niece a few weeks ago.  Our baby is gone as we knew him.  Replaced by a cute,smart little energetic, independent minded, handsome little dude who we love and laugh at all the time.  Thus, me feeling like a jerk, cause really, what right do I have to want or need more than that?  I really am a greedy b*tch sometimes, ya know?  So all those of you who are reading this that are contemplating adoption, heed the word of those doing your home study training:  ADOPTION DOES NOT CURE INFERTILITY NOR YOUR DESIRE FOR MORE CHILDREN.  I am forever blessed to have the perfect child I have, but will pobably hold on to some sadness forever that there weren’t more.

Okay, depressed enough reading about my life??  Let’s lighten up a little, then.  A few weeks ago when I went to my conference in Indy, I got to meet two of my forum/bloggy/adoptive mom buddies (Mich and Stork)whom I’ve *known* for 3-4 years??  They both have great kids in the same age range as Woob, just a little older.  It was so good to see their smiling faces for real instead of on the screen and play with their babies.  They already know each other IRL, so their kids enjoyed playing together.  I wish mine would have been there, too.  BUT, I got to hold Michele’s little-tiny-but-growing-so-fast baby A, who gave me the gift of smiles and coos while I talked baby talk and looked into his sweet little eyes <insert heart melting here>.  And as Stork wrote about here so well, it was great to talk to other aparents in person who “get it” about caring for kids’ firstparents, finding ways to meet the challenges that open adoption can bring, finding ways to take care of ourselves and just “be.”  Having somebody who didn’t just freak the heck out with the mere mention of N’s name, because of who she is.  It was nice and easy and the pizza was good.  <waves to Mich and Stork>

And the transition to big boy bed has gone incredibly well!  I’m in the process of reorganizing the layout of the room and doing cute things to the walls, so that’s fun, but again, a process.

And I got a new red purse.

And tonight i’m going out with my best guy to do something fun.  🙂

And I’m RAMBLING.  You can stop reading now.  Really.  I’m done.  😀

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3 Comments

Filed under adoption, birthparents, grief, motherhood, open adoption

3 responses to “Hi, Remember Me?

  1. StorkWatcher

    So GLAD you’re back! I know it’s been crazy. Congrats on the purse AND the date.

    I’m struggling with trying to decide if I’m ready to come to terms yet or not with being a mom of an only child. I’m pretty sure I’m going to stay in self-denial about that for quite a while yet…. But I find myself in those old, familiar places where the pangs are great as I watch my friends with their kidS, and see strangers toting kids while their bulging bellies tell their tale of adding to their families. Oh well. I’ll deal with with when I’m darn well ready to. But not yet.

    I’m very interested ( when you have time) to hear about the transition to the big boy bed. I bet since I’ve seen you, AP has only napped in his once or twice, and I’m trying to decide if I do need to get the crib out of the room, and if it’s really that important. Or just let him go on.

    Had a blast in Indy!

  2. mama2roo

    Stork-
    I’m loving my purse and we had a good time on our date on Saturday. Overall the weekend provided much needed fun and relaxation for all of us. I’ll do a post about the big boy bed.

    I love your statement “I’ll deal with that when I’m darn well ready to.” Yeah.

  3. Oh, my, you have had a lot – A LOT – going on. I’m so sorry to hear about your DH’s brother – very hard indeed.

    I was thrilled to see you pop up in my comments the other day, thanks so much for stopping by. I’ve been AWFUL about keeping up with everyone, it’s just impossible with work and all the stuff that goes on, particularly in the fall. M’s senior year has us running full tilt, too. Whew.

    I hope that well-deserved dinner out with DH was relaxing and fun 🙂

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