Writing Prompt for Adoptees Who’ve Been There

I wrote here in response to searches leading people to my site, looking for information on “birthmother letters.”  That post got mixed reviews, rightfully so, whatevah.

The remainder of searchers found me as a result of Googling information about writing letters to their own birthmother, a totally different thing.  Something I have no experience in.

Any adoptees out there who have BTDT and want to share some advice?  Let me know and I’ll link to you so that people who find me HERE can get the information THERE.


Filed under adoption, birthparents

5 responses to “Writing Prompt for Adoptees Who’ve Been There

  1. echaos

    I’ve been there and done that. Not sure if I’m any kinda of expert, but feel free to send them my way or to http://www.adoptionthreads.com We have a great forum with folks from all sides of adoption that they can reach out to.

    thanks for posting this.

  2. I didn’t write first when I found my birthmother. Does a phone call count?? We talked for 4 hours.


  3. As a reunited birthmother, the phone call was so much more rewarding. A letter took too long and the waiting was horrible. :o) I’d prefer a phone call any day. It was awkward at first but we got over that fairly fast as the questions flew in both directions.

    Teri Brown
    Adoption Records Handbook

  4. Wow Teri…wish I could say my mother felt the same way when I called. She made it clear for years that it was intrusive…I should have written a letter…

    It was the first thing in a pattern of the ‘I’m glad you found me…now go away…no come back…no go away’ dance that she played for years with me.

    I’ll be writing my phone call response later…


  5. So…advice for writing to your birthmother for the first time? I’m recalling what I was told to say…to reassure her that I didn’t ‘want anything’ … that I ‘already have a mother, but that I’d like to know her’

    Blech…I was told a lot of crap to say.

    I called her after having her phone number since the day before. I waited until I thought she would be home from work and I think I did a person to person call…not sure. ( Do they even still do that?)

    I started with a kind of roundabout speech about being a person who was looking for someone and that she might have information regarding that. The idea was that that might get her thinking that it might be me on the phone. But, no…she wasn’t thinking that way. I finally said, “I was born on blah blah blah in the year 19__” and then she burst into tears and said, “Oh my God, I think you’re my daughter” and we cried a bit and she asked me what my name was and then we talked for a long, long time.

    I don’t know what advice to give about writing or calling a birthmother because every situation is different. Just be yourself, whatever that means. There is no way to prepare yourself for a negative outcome. It’s really a hard thing to do. It’s really incredibly brave to be the one to initiate contact and try not to forget that. Give yourself a lot of credit for trying to connect and to heal the past.

    I think it’s hard with the letter route, because if you don’t get a response, then you will always wonder if your letter reached the person. I think the phone call is a better idea. It has obvious drawbacks…but I think if you never get anything else, at least you had that phone call.

    I have contiunal issues that my birthmother and I no longer have a relationship. We both did things that hurt each other. I was very young and didn’t know how to navigate all the complex feelings that go along with reunion. Neither did she. We’re human.

    Anyway…that’s a bit of that story….


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