Adoption Conundrums

I’ve learned many things about adoption by reading blogs and forum posts written by those involved in some way.  Here are just some of the things I’ve learned.  I’m sure they’re all true, because they have many times been written as fact, with few or no qualifiers such as “some” or “maybe” or “in this instance.”


  • is a gift
  • is a win-win-win situation
  • should be outlawed
  • should be easier to achieve
  • should happen more often
  • should be changed to protect adoptees
  • should be changed to protect adopters
  • should be changed to protect natural parents
  • is a right
  • protects children
  • harms children
  • grows families
  • tears families apart

Adoptive parents…

  • are evil adopters/kidnapers
  • are a blessing to their children
  • don’t deserve to have children
  • are better than the birthfamilies
  • are not “real”
  • can meet their children’s every need
  • saved their children from tragedy/a horrible existence/poverty/abuse
  • are more real than firstfamilies
  • have all the power in the “triad”
  • are rich
  • make sure their kids have ponies and swimming pools
  • are bitter infertiles
  • expect perfect children
  • can never meet their children’s needs


  • are missing out on their real families
  • would have been better off aborted
  • are lucky
  • should be grateful
  • are better off with their adoptive families
  • aren’t affected by adoption
  • shouldn’t seek out their first families
  • should seek out their first families
  • are victims
  • are bitter/angry
  • don’t need to know
  • have a right to know
  • are the only ones who didn’t have a choice in the adoption
  • gifts from their first families
  • gifts from God
  • need to get over it
  • would have been better off with their first families

(Birth/Natural/First) Parents…

  • experience regret about their decision
  • were coerced into placing
  • feel happy and secure with their decision
  • did the right thing for themselves
  • were selfish
  • did the right thing for their child
  • were selfless
  • love their children
  • don’t have the right to love their children
  • don’t have the right to grieve the loss of their children
  • are the “triad members” with all the control
  • are angels/saints
  • are demons/sinners
  • should have chosen abortion
  • have no rights in the adoption decision
  • are scammers
  • are substance abusers
  • deserve to have their children taken from them

I’m sure I’ve forgotten some of these facts, but can someone help me out and let me know how all of these things can be true all the time in every situation?  *perplexedly scratches head*



Filed under adoption, not much

10 responses to “Adoption Conundrums

  1. suz

    how all of these things can be true all the time in every situation?

    Does someone actually believe that?

  2. That is truly the conundrum. The absolutes are very rare in adoption except of course when we’re saying them. It’s the hard part about writing or expressing personal perspective. We all have one and that’s all it is. And it’s colored by who we are and how we feel in that moment. Sometimes I think it might be better if we would listen more than talk.

    Great post!

  3. Hee.

    Don’t forget:

    Open adoption…
    -is a scam to entice women to place their children
    -is the only ethical way to do adoption
    -is confusing
    -only benefits birthparents
    -is win-win-win for the whole triad
    -always ends up closing
    -is new and untested
    -is a return to how adoption originally was done
    -takes away the pain of adoption
    -only makes things emotionally difficult for everyone involved

  4. M.

    Oh, Suz, I was just being a snot. I get to reading things and sometimes get so frustrated by the whole “MY experience is the only experience” kind of thing. I cannot be pleased–I used to get frustrated when people would spend their whole blog post using qualifiers, and now am just as frustrated when people don’t.

  5. Ask Americans what they think about their country and you will hear:

    – The USA is the best country in the world
    – America suffers from an severe case of ethnocentricity
    – I am proud to be an American
    – I am ashamed that there are people going hungry and not having health insurance in the richest nation in the world

    and on and on….

    Are they right or wrong? Each is the PERCEPTION of the person making that statement. Also – your world is good when you are a “have” and not so much when you are not. As we all know, one USA is somewhat of an illusion.

    Some believe that adoption:
    -“Rescues” or “saves” “unwanted” children.

    Others will tell you that adoption:
    – Is a multi-billion dollar industry that kidnaps and steals children and exploits mothers’ to obtain much-in-demand commodity.

    For some adoption is a blessing – in my experience, that is most often those who adopt and some who are adopted. I have never heard a mother who lost her child describe it as a blessing.

    The UN tells us that 80% of chidlren in orphanages worldwide are not orphans, but have family who visit and hope to be reunited, as was the case with David Banda, adopted by Madonna.

    Ponies? Not so much. But coercion, exploitation and child trafficking for adoption may or may not be the norm, but it surely does exist.

    I encourage all to read: THE STORK MARKET: America;s Multi-Billion Dollar Unregulated Adoption Industry for an honest and realistic report. For those planning to adoptee, it contains a section on how to avoid being scammed.

  6. magicpointeshoe

    I believe in the plurality truth of the statements.

  7. M.

    I agree as well that truth is a matter of perspective. And after I wrote this and hit publish, I was almost sorry I did it, because I know I was in a crappy frame of mind when I wrote it, and worried that it might offend those I’m totally not meaning to offend or focus on.

    I find it frustrating, knowing that there can be many truths, when one person’s truth is written to discount all others.

    My statement was made not in disagreement that there is a “plurality truth,” quite the opposite.

    Thanks for joining in the conversation–any further input is welcome.

  8. Of course, *I* think that some of those statements are more right than others… but I think we owe it to each other to try to understand why someone else might think different ones are more true…

  9. ah…you got it! I’m the rich baby stealer!! That’s me!! (sorry, feeling a little snotty myself) If there is one thing I’ve learned about adoption, there are no absolutes, that’s for sure. I try to keep in mind whenever I’m reading someone else’s thoughts, that it’s just that–their thoughts, their experience. People could say the same thing about being a particular religion, race, etc, etc.

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