Remembering Someone I Didn’t Even Know

Paragraphein wrote a post today in remembrance of Cindy Jordan and I’m glad she did.  I never knew her, never spoke to her or read her words on the forums, or shared a strong friendship with her like so many others did.  But she did have a pretty big impact on me as an adoptive parent. 

Several years ago, while first entering the adoption arena, I started looking online and researching.  It led me to the adoption forums.  Cindy was a primary topic of board discussions during that time.  As someone just entering into the process it was quite sobering to read the circumstances surrounding her taking her own life.  Her baby’s adoptive parents had promised openness prior to the adoption, and afterwards, closed the door tight.  She didn’t “move on,” or “get over it.”  Instead it killed her.  So many mourned her death and likewise were angered at the unnecessary nature of it all. 

This was my first real lesson in adoption, and probably the most important one, in my opinion:  never promise more than you plan to give.    Its a lesson that once I signed with an agency, was echoed by that agency thankfully (despite all their other unethical and unprofessional leanings that have since come to light).  It was a lesson that I’m thankful I learned early on, since during our wait, well-meaning (??) friends actually suggested that we promise an open adoption until the baby came, then “change our number” soon after. 

Sometimes when I visit those same forums, I see new adoptive parents who have such fear of the process and of openness, and are somewhat desperate in pursuit of a child.  I understand them…I was one of them.  For those new folks, Cindy Jordan is nobody.  I hope there’s a way to get that same important message to those who need it without another tragedy like Cindy’s (and her baby’s!) happening. 

Thanks, Nicole, for the chance to remember.



Filed under adoption, birthparents, ethics, grief, open adoption, reflection

2 responses to “Remembering Someone I Didn’t Even Know

  1. Wise post about an incredibly sad tragedy.

    I wonder if and how the adoptive parents of Cindy’s baby will explain her death to Cindy’s child. I understand their desperation to have a child, I shared it, too. But to deceive a woman outright as they did – how do you look your child in the eye and explain that? Especially when the pain of it drove that child’s mother to take her own life?

    I will never understand this, never.

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