Too much has been happening too fast over the past several weeks, and my head is in a whirl and my body just feels tired.
My second blood test yesterday wasn’t what they’d hoped it would be numbers-wise. I have to do another one first thing tomorrow morning. In the meantime, I’ve been pre-grieving the loss of this pregnancy, even before its definitely lost, and am shocked at how hard its hitting me. Meanwhile, I’m having to show up at work fresh-faced and professional with my co workers, who are finding out the genders of their babies, coming to work with morning sickness, and all of that. Let’s do the time-warp, shall we? I mean, isn’t this the same thing I could’ve typed many, many years ago?? but what can I say? I invited this into my life by initiating IF treatment.
We visited with Woob’s first family Sunday. He got to visit with his mom and her boyfriend (who he LOOOOOVES), and meet his pretty new baby sister, who he isn’t really interested in or disturbed by one way or another. He also got to see his grandparents, and was charming towards them. His grandma was especially melted I think, and told me what a good job I was doing with him. I don’t know if she was reassuring me as a parent, or herself as possibly someone who influenced her daughter’s decision to place (???). Who knows. Either way, my boy was sooooo good all day including in the car 2+ hours both ways. I was so proud of him. I do wish me and N. could have more time just to ourselves, because Woob is so drawn to C. that I think she gets ripped off in that department. And I never get to talk to her about anything of substance…I worry that we might never. I don’t even know what specifically that substantive topic would be, but just that there isn’t the opportunity to do it.
And I was proud of myself, because I made this trip by myself. DH was off on a golf outing for four days. Probably another reason why I feel so exhausted and irritable. I need a break.
I haven’t had my hair cut in eons, my house is a total disaster, and my laundry is as piled up as it can get…clean, but piled up. I’m wondering what in the world I was thinking, believing I had the energy to raise another baby…
Pray for my blood test tomorrow that it was just a flukey kind of thing–though rare, I hear these things happen.