The Novelty has Worn Off, Apparently

Best Laid Plans‘ most recent post rang a familiar bell for me this morning as I read.  Being in “baby limbo” just needing, wanting to know SOMETHING, ANYTHING during those weeks before baby comes does tend to make a potential mother go a bit bonkers.  Add in the fact that every person in your whole life is asking you “have you heard anything?” just makes you want to HURT PEOPLE.  I’ve lived it. 

Funny, looking back on our wait, we were bombarded with question after question about the woman who chose us.  People were SO interested…and just plain nosey:  “Is she healthy?  Does she know who the father is?  What does she look like? How old is she?  Is she in school?  Where does she live?  What’s she like?  Is she in school?  Does she have other kids?  What’s her family like?”  And on and on and on.  They wanted to know every little detail, and wanted updates on demand.  It was maddening.  But we worked our way through it and survived it, arriving generally unscathed on the other side.

My, how things have changed since then!  The same people who had a desperate desire to know all N.’s business before the placement, seem to have an equally strong inclination to avoid the topic of her existence now, almost two years later.  Since she’s a part of Woob’s life, I tend to talk about her–not incessantly, but enought that people know what’s going on, and that she’s “around” and importantly, that she’s expecting.  I want Woob to be able to grow up talking about his sister without others telling him he doesn’t have one, you know?  And now N. is experiencing some problems with the pregnancy, hopefully that can be kept in check until its safe for Newbaby to come out, and when I bring such things up, NO ONE is asking for details.  They don’t want to know about her health, they don’t want to know that she’s still in school, they don’t want to know where she’s living, they don’t want to know what her current family situation is, and they don’t really want to know about this new baby.  I’m met with just silence.  I bet they’d become interested if she suddenly asked us to parent, but that’s not likely. 

I’m at a loss, really I am.



Filed under adoption

7 responses to “The Novelty has Worn Off, Apparently

  1. Oh so similar in sooo many ways. We are experiencing the same thing–no one has asked about J since maybe our first visit almost 2 years ago. When I bring her up, people say, “oh, you’re still in touch?” and I want to say, “Um, duh…” but I don’t. I just take the opportunity to go on about open adoption being, well, open. There’s a Newbaby on her horizon as well..but I haven’t divulged that to anyone yet. ‘Cept here, on the internet.

  2. I am glad you wrote this post because I have been wondering about N. I hope all is well with her and I would LOVE an update on how things are going! But, I know what you mean. No one asks us anymore either. They just don’t seem to know how to approach it. I wonder what will happen as people realize we are working towards number 2…

  3. oh, mich, I thought J and your family were fairly comfortable together, for some reason. Hope all is welll with Newbaby on your end too.

    Marci–i could understand if people don’t know how to approach it, but when I put something out there and am met with “hmmm…” it tends to tick me off 🙂

  4. I think my family was comfortable til they fell in love with MAM…and now they do not want to share, or think of her as anything but ours! (which I get, but hello, she wouldn’t be ours if not for J)

  5. storkwatcher

    I think it’s just such a hard area to think about – for those of us experiencing adoption for the first time, especially.

    Once in a while someone will ask us about A.P.’s birthmom. But only one of my sisters brings her up much.

    And I think others don’t share our confidence that we are truly a bonded family unit who doesn’t feel birthparents are a threat. To some, they are afraid if they bring up the “taboo topic”, they’ll offend us or make us worried in some way!

    And some might be afraid to tread in what they assume are emotional waters – they might not know how you’re feeling about the fact that she’s going to be parenting your son’s sibling. And they’re not sure how to react to that themselves.

    It’s hard. Hopefully, you can continue to talk about her in a way that lets people know you don’t want to NOT talk about her!

    I know I even try not to overmention my friends’ daughters’ birthmom too much, because I don’t want to appear nosy, yet I’m very interested to hear about her because A) she’s part of their lives and little Miss M is really important to me B) I like to hear about open situations, while I was ours was. And while I”m sure they wouldn’t, I don’t want them to think that I’m too interested in it.

  6. Hey M2R…

    I hear you on this, truly I do. I have a family member, though, who is the opposite…she can’t say anything nice, but she says lots and asks lots. I sometimes just wish she’d shut up and forget all about it. Heh.

    I think most people tend to avoid topics that are uncomfortable for them. I know that there are often long pauses when M or K’s names come up around my family and friends. I’m inspired, though. Maybe the next time I get a blank stare or a “hmmmm…” I’ll ask them if I’ve made them uncomfortable or if they’re afraid of making me uncomfortable because of how they feel. I guess I’d much rather engage with someone on the topic rather than have it brushed aside.

    Prayers for N’s pregnancy, btw. Hope Newbaby stays put for a while until everything’s set in there for her arrival…


  7. I think people get confused and wonder why we don’t slink back under our Snarky aside…really..I don’t think people know how to one is suppose to admit being a relinquishing’re probably seen as just as crazy for talking about it. I have had some really wacky things said to me…
    Where’s Miss Manners with the book for this?

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