Baby Dust/Baby Lust

I believe that there is no comparison between the pain of infertility and the pain of relinquishment.  I’ve only been through the infertility part.  But relinquishment pain has got to be more excruciating, especially when a person’s been told they will eventually get over it, or have been pretty much demanded to get over it.  For all the things I’m probably pretty naïve about and unaware of, I do get that.   

I’ve not suffered through miscarriages, I’ve not (thus far) undergone any procedures more horrible than a laparoscopy.  I haven’t had severe reactions to the hormones and other medications I’ve tried.  Heck, the nurse at the RE even told me time and again that I have a “nice, fluffy uterine lining.”  Wow, how’s that for high praise…and way too much information?  Point is, even though I’ve had it relatively easy in this department, and I know many women haven’t, infertility has been and to some extent continues to be a big deal to me.  It affects my life.  It effects my emotions.  It effects how I relate to other people.  It impacts my work and my understanding of others.  At this moment, thank God, it does not rule my life.  I pray it doesn’t in the future.  It doesn’t wholly define me, but it is one part of who I am.  One little part.   

If I am going to be truthful, I’ve gotta say that I don’t feel done mothering babies yet.  There’s something in my heart and brain, something organic that drives that feeling.  Nature tells me that I’m a mother, even though my body disagrees. 

Some folks don’t understand that drive…they don’t “get” why someone like me, who has plenty of other people in her life to love and care for, feels the need to have/parent a(nother) baby.  It boggles their minds why someone like me just can’t get over it.  If I adopt, I may be accused of causing trauma to lots of people, and perhaps I have.  Perhaps I hope to avoid that in the future by not adopting again.  If I pursue infertility treatments instead, I may be accused of having baby lust.  Perhaps instead, some think that people like me should just chuck it all and just get over it.  Maybe find a job in daycare.  Some of those folks that might tell me this are the same ones that either lost their babies or their parents through adoption.  When they’ve been told to get over their loss–that they’re not entitled to it…well, that’s a big deal, and it makes total sense to me why this would be more than upsetting to them, and why they speak out against it.  Their loss is cellular.  Getting over it doesn’t make sense.  Nor would it be kind of me to say to them to just go work with kids, volunteer at a pet center, hug your nieces and nephews…those things might enhance their lives, but certainly doesn’t replace that core emptiness.   

And FINALLY, on to my point… 

Loss can come in varying degrees, different people have different skills for managing grief after loss.  Loss is personal.  Each person’s perspective is different.  We all get there at different times.  Some of us hang on to our grief because it is a comfort to be able to stay angry—anger is energy and energy pushes change.  Some of us don’t like the way the anger has changed us, so we look to find a different way to cope.  But some losses, as you know, you don’t get over.  You find a way to work it into your life, move beyond it, turn it to something positive, or at least whittle it down so its not so negative.  You live with it and hopefully accept it, but sometimes getting over it just doesn’t happen.  Its not wrong, its not right.  It just is.   

What must be done among us to be able to recognize one another’s pain and loss and respect each other, if not for our resulting actions or beliefs, but for the humanity that we all share in the experience of loss?

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16 Comments

Filed under adoption, birthparents, grief, infertility, adoption, mamahood, motherhood, reflection

16 responses to “Baby Dust/Baby Lust

  1. I think you and I read the same post. I think your response here was much more eloquent than mine.

    To make it short – I totally agree!

  2. Your words are beautiful, wonderful, words I wish I had written, could have written, have felt in my heart and to the bottom of my soul but somehow haven’t been able to express.

    And I love you for these words. Thank you.

  3. Thanks, guys!

    Judy–you have no idea the compliment you just gave me. I think the same thing about you every time I read.

  4. kimkim

    I don’t want to compare either. I experienced both, relinquishment is a bigger challenge than not being able to get pregnant.

    I am tired of fighting and pulling rank and saying who hurts the most. I just want to read and learn and understand and your post is beautiful.

  5. kimkim

    I mean bigger challenge for me, not anyone else.

  6. Beautiful post.

    And no having a child in your life never replaces the loss of the past. Even though I have two beautiful children now it dosen’t erase the hole in my heart from reliquishment nor does it erase the years of stuggle to have those 2 kids.

  7. Thank you, very well said.

  8. VERY well said!
    Thank you!
    Im adding you to my google reader yay!! 🙂

  9. i hesitate to reply b/c i think i missed something.(previous post?) But, here goes. At the last minute, literally, our baby’s birthparents chose to meet us. Before my husband and I could get a word out, they said, “thank you”! It blew me away! I had all the guilt of an adoptive mom, and empathy and tears for her saying goodbye to her daughter. And she says, “Thank you.” I know her hole is something I will never experience. And I wonder if the pictures I send make her cry or make her smile, or perhaps both. And I know nothing will fill that hole. Similarly?, I feel empty where my uterus used to be. I have no womb. I have all the respect in the world for my daughter’s birthmother, lifemother. i could go, on, but sorry, this isn’t my post, just a comment, right? – Julie

  10. HI, Julie! Thanks for stopping by…

    The post is just my response to reading other bloggers out there and that day something just rubbed me the wrong way and I had to address it. I just know that adoption, no matter what side of it you’re on is emotionally complicated and when any one of us is told to “just get over it,” I have to think “if only.” When that phrase is used by someone who it seems should know what it feels like to be so easily dismissed in that way, well, it seems hurt just a little more.

    Anyway–thanks for your thoughts…
    I went to your blog and your daughter is yummy! Such a cutie–congrats!

  11. Thanks! Yes, I get very defensive when people dismiss birthmothers, and have that seemingly general negative feeling about them, like they are bad somehow. But, telling someone to just get over it; that would REALLY get to me. THanks for the comment on our daughter. Love her to pieces. 🙂 Julie

  12. erinthebeekeeper

    (((HUGS)))

    You seemed to climb inside my heart and read it and write it down.

    I’m going to have to post on it sometime.

  13. This is a great post and reflects exactly how I feel.

    I am going to bookmark your blog if that’s ok.

  14. nobody can ever say this hurts worse than that.
    people always try to rank things, when some things…just aren’t able to be arranged that way.
    Loss is loss.
    Nobody knows how much a loss means to another person. Nobody knows how much you hurt, except you. and you can try to explain it, but nobody will ever know what that loss means to you, except you.

    My sister & I both lost children.
    My situation was no worse than hers.
    Hers was no worse than mine.
    Just….different.
    She had two beautiful years with her son.
    My child never took a breath.

    What’s that saying…about treating everyone as though they have loved someone & lost someone…
    I forget how it goes exactly….

  15. And with regard to adoption….I’ve seen some people relinquish…like, been there in the very moment that the papers were signed. I’ve heard some women say that they don’t “want” the baby, it was a mistake…etc. One woman was even pissed about gaining weight during pregnancy, and blamed the child. I’ve seen women who truly did not WANT those babies. I’ve seen young couples who tried to make it & raise a baby…and then relinquish within the first month because juggling high school and parenting was just too much for them. And, I’ve seen women change their minds in the 11th hour.

    All in all, should there maybe be some adoption reform? Maybe.
    Is the practice of adoption evil & out to ruin lives? No, I don’t think so.

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