Ever been at a loss for words and unable to shake it?  I’m there right now and its becoming uncomfortable. I’m not especially anxious, worried, or depressed.  I’m not excited, overjoyed or bursting at the seams. I’m just kind of here, happily living things out day to day.  I go to work, pick up the Woob, go home, do dinner, bath and play.  My house is a lovely mess of toys and whatever else the little monkey pulls out.  We go to church each week and meet family afterwards for lunch.  Ever so occasionally, me and my man go out alone.

Life is pretty sweet right now, really.  We’re at a good place with Woobie.  I love him so much it almost hurts.  He’s learning so much everyday, is bright, affectionate, happy, healthy, and busy.  He counted to six the other day (I mean, really!!), and then he moo’ed at me.  Is anything cuter than 16 months old?? He is really the center of our universe, as it should be, and he makes us better people.  And its easier to be better people now that we have achieved a no-cry going to bed pattern for the past few weeks (cha-ching!).  I know that it’ll probably change, but we’re enjoying it while we can.  But here’s the thing.  At the same time as I’m feeling all these wonderful mommy/family/baby related things, and I’m feeling good about my own little spot on the earth, I realize that I don’t and can’t live in a bubble.  There are things that impact my universe and things that I do to impact others.

(1)  There’s a whole other family out there with Woob’s name on it.  I’m proud to be getting to know them, though it seems like we’re kind of stuck in slow gear.  We haven’t gotten to the point where we can talk about much that’s under the surface, and while I understand that, I’m still on edge about if that will ever happen or if we’ll just always be avoiding the elephant in the room.

(2)  I tend to isolate.  Knowing that the adoption has implications not just for us, but for those around us and that other people’s opinions do have an effect on our family, I’ve many times reached out only to be stung by folks’ quick judgments and closed-mindedness.  I want to be able to talk about things freely and there are a few people I can go to, but in the whole scheme of my real life, not many.  I will try to educate, but after so much, I shut it down and move on with things.  But given my personal inability to deal well with conflict, it goes no further than that and then I feel like a coward.

(3)  I REALLY would like to have another baby.  Woob needs at least one sibling, in my opinion, and I don’t feel like I’m done mothering babies yet.  Given that its seemed medically impossible in the past for me to get pregnant, and we don’t see any nearby options of adopting at this point, its probably a moot point for now.  That’s interwoven with the fact that N. is going to have another baby at the beginning of the year.  Am I jealous?  I’m not sure. I don’t think so, but I know I’m worried about her and C.’s health, living arrangements, choices, and maturity at times.  Other times I think they could rule the world.  Regardless, if, and no matter how, and by whom Woob becomes a brother, there will certainly be an impact on him.  I mean, think of the questions he’ll have…”why could N. raise newbaby and not me?”, “why did mom and dad adopt me, but then go on and have other kids—are ‘real’ kids loved more than me?”, or “wasn’t I enough for them after all their years of trying?”  And there are probably a million more and several more that are even harder to answer.

I don’t know…life is easier in my little bubble, but it doesn’t work that way.  I feel though, that something needs to be moving somewhere…there’s a restlessness despite my contentment, if that makes a bit of sense.  And a little bit of guilt because things are good, but I’m not yet satisfied.  Blah.



Filed under adoption, birthparents, infertility, adoption, open adoption, reflection

3 responses to “Restlessness

  1. I am so there with you. Some days I think my life could get no better, no happier. Yet all three of your points hit me too. Gosh, I wish our schedules conincided better so we could get together more often! Don’t you hate momy guilt? Why must we always feel we need more and feel guilty for needing it?

  2. Well-captured. No answers here, but sometimes doesn’t just saying it all out loud (or onscreen) feel better? Like somehow in acknowledging the schism of simultaneous blissful contentment and unease, there actually is that coveted movement on your part?

    Ah, what do I know.

  3. thirdmom

    The paradox of adoption. All we can do is embrace and live it. We are all either there or have been.

    Things sound pretty darn good in your bubble, though, so enjoy every minute!

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