Lulling…

I’ve been quiet lately–avoiding friends both online and IRL, it seems though it hasn’t been a conscious thing.  I’m just starting to realize it.  I don’t know what to really say.  My real life friends, for the most part, have no idea about our newest developments with N.  They just can’t understand really.  Either they’ll make a huge deal (not in a necessarily positive way) about it, which I don’t have the extra energy to deal with, OR they’ll not see it for the huge deal that it really is…heh–isn’t it great when we set up our friends in a way that they can’t possibly win?  I dunno, maybe I don’t give them enough credit, but I think I do.

One might think I’m somewhat less inclined to write because things are a little more settled on the Openness-In-Adoption front, but I think really, its because its just opened up a whole new set of questions, issues, insecurities, yada yada, that I am having some difficulty expressing ANYTHING.

So, the bottom line is that Woobie is going to be a big brother right around the time he will turn 2 years old.  No, you didn’t miss anything.  No, I’m not expecting.  We learned N. was expecting as we were leaving from our first visit together a few weeks back.  A shock to be sure, because that was the extremely last thing I would have guessed if I were given a hundred guesses.  I feel so blessed that all this is coming together now, because one of my biggest fears was that Woob would have brothers and sisters out there that we might never even know about, and now he hopefully will grow up and truly KNOW them. 

But then, I worry about N. and her health and her living situation and health care situation and family situation and people’s automatic judgment, and have to find a way to STEP BACK while still being supportive.  It is so hard for me who is a mother and a social worker to NOT try to be HER mother and social worker, ya know?  I admire her fearlessness, because on a good day I carry enough anxiety for the both of us. 

And I worry what this means for the Woob down the line when he sees that his mother for some reason made the choice not to raise him, but made the choice to parent his sibling when situations haven’t changed all that much–in fact, things might even be a little harder in a lot of ways for N. now.  Again, so glad that N. will be around so she can help fill in the gaps of understanding, and will be able to do so much better than I could.

I think I remember one or more people saying to me when finding out we were adopting: “Oh, you’re going to have kids the easy way, hahahhahaha.”  And to those who said it, I say to them, “Bite me.”

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7 Comments

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7 responses to “Lulling…

  1. Just wait — and those same people when they find out N is pregnant will say, “Oooh! Maybe you’ll get *another* baby!”

    People are idiots.

  2. StorkWatcher

    OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH. OH MY GOSH….. I can’t believe the news! WOw. I am very excited for you, but I cannot imagine the worry for you! And of all times for me not to be in “touch” while at work – darn IT police….

    I’m trying to remember Woob’s bday, since I can’t check back on the forums….. WOW. I’m hoping that you and I can start discussing how we’ll prepare our #1s for baby brother or sister. My hubby is starting to make comments about doing another adoption…….

    In some ways, you are in a GREAT position, as far as being able to consider many of N’s concerns, due to your training. Yet, that must make it harder, as you might be a lot more aware of some things……

    Hugs to the Woob – Wow. A big brother!

    I’ll be in touch!

    Stork

  3. I have mised you! I am glad you are back. And glad you are sharing your news! Well, N and Woob’s news. I hope all goes well for N and I hope she is able to help Woob to understand her reasons for her choices.

    And Stork, Woob’s birthday: it is March something!

  4. StorkWatcher

    Ummm – I just reread my first post. Feel free to delete it. I think it sounds like I”m congratulating you on adopting again, especially since I threw in the part about me hoping to adopt again….. I don’t want to mislead your readers!

    I think you are SO lucky to be able to have contact with N – our son has some birthsiblings, but aside from knowing the ages/genders of 3 of them (and that he has we think 2 others), we don’t know anything else about them,a nd may never. So the Woob will be very lucky to have some information! And hopefully the chance to ask N all his questions later, if you can’t answer them.

    I think you might be interested to read Jenna’s upcoming topic (if you read her blog The Chronicles of Munckinland) about how she’s explaining her current pregnancy to her daughter, which she placed for adoption. She might be a good resource for you while you’re trying to figure out how to someday talk to the Woobie about things.

    Sorry if I sounded way off base in my first post! Feel free to delete part/all of it!

  5. goingbacktosquareone

    I understand the lulling. I’m feeling that way, too.

  6. cynthia

    If your friends are good ones, stick with it-
    2 years into it, we see our son’s birthmother every few months. She’s just part of our life now, and that initial fantasy/mystery/trainwreck fascination is gone for those we are close with. Its not always perfect, but its not as difficult either when it isn’t.
    Know that it does get easier, it did in my case anyway, and I am so grateful for the relationship we have with both of his birthparents (and he too has a bio sibling, half bio in his case, but I don’t count halves)
    I’m happy to talk more privately, I don’t have a blog.

  7. My BabyGirl’s b-mom recently told us she was pregnant again, too, and we had a lot of similar thoughts. Sadly, she miscarried, so we’ve been praying a lot for her. She’s going through a hard time. It has raised the question, though, of how or if it would change our relationship with her and how Baby would feel if M. chose to parent her sibling. Guess I’m trying to say that I can empathize to some extent.

    And, for the record, I’ve used a phrase similar to “bite me” before (about our adoptions supposedly being easy)… actually, I think my direct statement to the person in question was, “I have four cheeks…pick one and pucker.” Rude, eh? *smile* I’m not usually that forward…they didn’t like it much.

    –Mindy

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