I’ve been quiet lately–avoiding friends both online and IRL, it seems though it hasn’t been a conscious thing. I’m just starting to realize it. I don’t know what to really say. My real life friends, for the most part, have no idea about our newest developments with N. They just can’t understand really. Either they’ll make a huge deal (not in a necessarily positive way) about it, which I don’t have the extra energy to deal with, OR they’ll not see it for the huge deal that it really is…heh–isn’t it great when we set up our friends in a way that they can’t possibly win? I dunno, maybe I don’t give them enough credit, but I think I do.
One might think I’m somewhat less inclined to write because things are a little more settled on the Openness-In-Adoption front, but I think really, its because its just opened up a whole new set of questions, issues, insecurities, yada yada, that I am having some difficulty expressing ANYTHING.
So, the bottom line is that Woobie is going to be a big brother right around the time he will turn 2 years old. No, you didn’t miss anything. No, I’m not expecting. We learned N. was expecting as we were leaving from our first visit together a few weeks back. A shock to be sure, because that was the extremely last thing I would have guessed if I were given a hundred guesses. I feel so blessed that all this is coming together now, because one of my biggest fears was that Woob would have brothers and sisters out there that we might never even know about, and now he hopefully will grow up and truly KNOW them.
But then, I worry about N. and her health and her living situation and health care situation and family situation and people’s automatic judgment, and have to find a way to STEP BACK while still being supportive. It is so hard for me who is a mother and a social worker to NOT try to be HER mother and social worker, ya know? I admire her fearlessness, because on a good day I carry enough anxiety for the both of us.
And I worry what this means for the Woob down the line when he sees that his mother for some reason made the choice not to raise him, but made the choice to parent his sibling when situations haven’t changed all that much–in fact, things might even be a little harder in a lot of ways for N. now. Again, so glad that N. will be around so she can help fill in the gaps of understanding, and will be able to do so much better than I could.
I think I remember one or more people saying to me when finding out we were adopting: “Oh, you’re going to have kids the easy way, hahahhahaha.” And to those who said it, I say to them, “Bite me.”