I Don’t Know What This Is

We had our second visit with N. and boyfriend today.  The second in a matter of two weeks, after no real contact on N’s part for a full year.  Its rather surreal.  And what’s a little weirder is that it isn’t more weird, if that makes any sense.  Maybe its because there’s no lack of things to talk about–there’s always this precious boy right in front of us or really close by.  There are all the things we don’t know about one another from all of our lifetimes, good, bad and ugly.  There are conversations about people who we don’t know and may never know, but who are ever present in one way or another.  And so we’re building this thing, but I don’t know what it is, or what we are in it, you know?

Are we friends?  Could we possibly be at this early time?  I mean, there must be some level of trust there for us to be given the privelege of raising Woob.  And they’ve shared things with us that their parents don’t know, and are pretty straightforward about sharing lots of things.  But friends, I just don’t know.

Are we mentors?  Do they really care what we think, what our experience has been in life?  Does it even match up with the life they are living right now and the same kinds of choices they have to make?  Are the similarities in our lives enough to make up for the differences when it comes to what kind of support we can offer and what they can accept or even ask for?

Or are we just the people raising her son?  Are we the conduit for her to see him thrive and grow, and that’s enough?

And what is it that I want this to be?  That we want to be for her?  I’ve wanted this to happen for so long, and now, I don’t really know what to do with it.  But I know its something precious and something that I want to continue and nurture, and find out more. 

Whatever it is, I don’t want to screw it up.  For me or the Woob. 



Filed under adoption, birthparents, open adoption, parenthood, reflection

8 responses to “I Don’t Know What This Is

  1. Oh, Em, I doubt you’ll screw it up. As wonderful as you are, as great a mom as you are, you won’t screw it up. Plus, two visits in two weeks? — that’s amazing!

    This is all wonderful. But I’m sure it’s nerve-wracking and I don’t mean to diminish any of that. *hugs* to all of you.

  2. The first year is the hardest. Hang in there!

  3. One of the strangest things for me at the beginning was that there was intimacy without familiarity, if that makes any sense. We had this close bond because of Puppy, yet we hadn’t really known each other that long or that well. I’ve asked myself so many of the same questions you are about how Puppy’s first parents view me and my role. In the end, I think as long as we see each other as equals, we’ll be ok.

  4. goingbacktosquareone

    Ack, of all the weekends for me to be gone!

    I’m dying to hear the whole story!

    It sounds like you have a lot on your plate!

  5. You are doing great, trust your instincts. 🙂 You will figure it out and remember that she is probably trying to figure it out as well.

    It’s so incredible that it is coming together like this, twice in 2 weeks! yay!


  6. Yay! I am so glad for you that this is happening. I cannot wait to hear more. Playdate??

    Although it does stink that work is crakcing down on internet usage. Darn work, gets in the way of everything, huh…

  7. Sounds like you’re doing just fine! Always things to process after a visit, and two visits in two weeks sure does change things up, doesn’t it? Listen — the very fact you care soooo much about how it all turns out and what it turns into — whatever that needs to be and morph into at any given time over the coming years — I think is proof you won’t screw it up, chickadee. You’re thinking and processing and wondering and planning — just what one does when something is truly important.

  8. Wow. I am just so happy for you because I know this was the desire of your heart. It sounds like you are doing great.


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