Don’t Rain on My Parade

Dear L.L.–

In the 12 years I’ve known you you’ve been my mentor, my friend, my peer, and much more.  Your life experience has served you well, and you have used it to help others, including me on man occasions.  I have often come to you because I value your opinions.  I thought you valued mine.  When we started our adoption journey, you served as a reference for me because I thought you understood my heart. But today, I have to tell you, my feelings are hurt; I’m pissed.

Once before, I shared some of my thoughts about Woob’s first mother.  I shared about how I think about her and how I want to keep a connection.  You didn’t understand.  You indicated that there is no connection there.  That hurt at the time, but I thought I made myself clear.  And today, once again, I opened up about what’s going on in our little family.  I protect that part of my life with the knowledge that not everyone can or will understand.  There are certain people I believe I can count on when it comes to that, and others I don’t trust with it.  Its too new and precious, and its almost like if I talk about it too much, it will all disappear, so I hold it close.  Today, I chose to trust you with my excitement and anxiety of meeting N. this coming weekend.  Now I see that my judgment was poor in that regard.  When tell you about those things, it is not with the intent of asking for advice–you haven’t been there.  You haven’t spent every waking hour thinking about, researching, reading, dreaming and living adoption.  I KNOW she signed away her rights.  I don’t anticipate she’ll be trying to reclaim them.  She’s not a bad person.  Its not just about her, or about me, but about Woob.  Its good for all of us.  When you question that, you also question my ability to make good judgments.  When I come to you with these things in my life, what I’m asking for is for you to share the excitement, to support me, to say “good for you,” or “tell me all about it,” or “I’m sure it will work out great!” Even, “How can I help?” Instead, I feel like now, if things don’t go well, you’ll be there waiting to say “I told you so…”  That’s not what I need from my friends. And it makes me less likely to talk about it with anyone else as well.

So, know that as our family has new beginnings, additions, ebbs and flows, I won’t be bothering you with the details.  And that’s really crappy because its times like this I need my friends more than ever.

E.

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12 Comments

Filed under adoption, vent

12 responses to “Don’t Rain on My Parade

  1. goingbacktosquareone

    Vent away. I hope you’re sending this to LL, whomever she is.

    Can’t you add me to your email list so I’m not blocked?

  2. It doesn’t tell me youre blocked. I’m just assuming because I didn’t get the email you sent–I don’t know how to check that or do that. Did you send yours in direct reply to the one I sent you, or did you draft a whole new one??

    And…no I probably won’t say this to LL. I’m a wimp like that. She’ll just miss out is all. You guys will get all the good scoop!

  3. It’s good to vent that, isn’t it. It’s also so hard to share something that is so very personal and so very important to, frankly, our very being. It’s something we want for our children, something we believe they need and will benefit from. That’s what moms are supposed to do. I know you know all of this and I know you were just venting — but I get it, Em. I get it. And there are others that do. Still, I know, it’s not the same. If LL is your friend, the loss in that is difficult.
    I’m wishing you all the best this coming weekend — and am most interested in learning about your visit. If you’re so inclined, after you’ve had time to take it all in, I’d really love to e-mail with you about the visit — if, in fact, you’re interested in sharing. We visit with Maeve’s birthmom the first Sunday in June — just a couple weeks away. Nerves, excitement, hopes, fears those hopes won’t come to fruition — it’s all there.

    Don’t let naysayers or furrowed brows take away your anticipation and excitement.

  4. goingbacktosquareone

    Hmm. I think all my emails last week must have fallen into a black hole…I was having problems sending. I wonder if that might have been the problem?

    I’m going to re-forward it again, this time in a new email instead of a direct reply.

    Let’s see if my worthless internet service can manage to get it right this time? You have no idea how fast I’d dump this company if I had another choice for broadband…

  5. Thanks for getting it, Gretchen, I know you do. I’ll email you. I’m kind of keeping it close, even online, and don’t really know why–superstition perhaps??

    Jen–still didn’t receive it. I’ll email you another address at a yahoo account I keep. then we’ll see.

  6. trixieintransit

    Oh my. Isn’t it hard when the people you love don’t understand you or your place in the world? My BF and I had some rocky moments when I started talking adoption. We have been together since the invention of slice bread and I have known equally as long that adoption was my only choice. So she knew too…but she held out hope that I would come to my senses and do IVF and go biological. Her comments really hurt. Now years later, she is crying along side of me and celebrating too. Once her baby hormones ran out and she realized that kids are kids – bio or otherwise – it redefined that part of our friendship. But it took close to 6 years. How much has this part of our lives changed? Well for one, when we received our first match and my own sister snubbed it because of the racial differences, my BF was the polar opposite. She was every balm to every blister left from my own heartless sister. Secondly, she has approached her own husband about adoption and her kids are very pro-adoption (they have requested that we adopt a 6 yr old). Her husband is pro-adoption to the point where he told her that if they adopted internationally…she would have to quit work because orphanage raised children need more time for bonding that biological children. Now BF will never quit work – so we know that dream is over – but still it was nice to hear how AWARE they had become about adoption.

    One other quick note: my own father is a bit overprotective about meeting the birthparents. He still views me as a teenager with rainbows in her eyes. I think he deeply worries that all the Lifetime TV shows that my mother has seen (my father would never watch Lifetime…) will come true and that he won’t be able to protect me and the baby. It’s not like he thinks I can’t make a good decision (although it sure as hell feels like that is what he is thinking)…more like he thinks that I am so in love with being a Mom that I won’t see the dangers where they exist. He is being protective. He doesn’t want to risk the baby or us or even his own heart. I know my father though. If the birthfamily turned out to be “good people” (and you can define this in many ways)…he would welcome them into his home. He was raised in a farming community where this was just normal. You proved yourself and then you were admitted. They raised neighbors kids etc. He just worries about the birthparents who aren’t in that category (like the ones that just screwed us again).

    I guess the point here is that (1) some people you love will take forever to get the message like my BF and once they do they are 100% behind you and (2) some people act this way out of fear for you, the baby and their own hearts but once the birthfamily proves themselves they come around.

    Let’s hope you don’t have to wait to long to welcome LL back with 100% open arms and waiting heart.

  7. That’s a shame. It’s so difficult when people we’ve relied on for so long can’t see our hearts and at least trust our truest selves enough to know that we need to do what’s right for us even if they can’t quite understand it, or to at least ask questions before passing judgment. *hugs* to you. I’m sure this hurts.

  8. Oh that stinks. Well, if you want a friend to be happy and excited, call me! I might even jump up and down for you!! I think it is great and I would love to share in your joy. I cannot wait to hear how it goes.

    Oh, and I had issues with replying to e-mails to you a few weeks back when we were trying to set up a lunch date. They were not going thorugh for some reason. I could tell based on e-mails I got from you that clearly you had not received my message. I meant to say something at lunch and forgot!

    Good luck this weekend and ignore that fuddy duddy of a friend!

  9. Ahh, the “I told you so” person in your life. I hope s/he reads this and takes it to heart. Adoption is hard enough, it becomes overwhelming when those close to you refuse to understand and trust that your judgement is informed and based on genuine, well-founded feelings. Hang in there, and keep venting if there’s more in there!

  10. You need to send this e-mail. It is not attacking or rude. It is frank and to the point. It lets this LL person know that you have feelings and they have been hurt. You have expectations of your relationship and they have not been met. You have a life outside of the relationship you share with LL and it IS to be respected.

    Stand up for yourself.

  11. Christine2

    I really want to comment on this because I relate to how you feel. I’ve found it very isolating that people who I have shared so much with over years suddenly cannot ‘get’ this. And the things they say astound me at times – not only are they off, they are WAAAYYYY off. I think it’s ok to send this to your friend. Or a version of it. Let her know that you need support, not advice. Though to be honest, I haven’t told anyone in my life what I think. I’ve just kept it to myself, so as not to have it trampled on as it’s precious to me.

  12. I agree with Judy, where is the trust? There doesn’t always need to be understanding but there needs to be trust and support.

    I’m sorry for you. How dissapointing.

    Jamie

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