Popping the BIG Question

Dear N.-

Well, I’ve done it.  I’ve just sent off a letter to you (the REAL kind, the kind that you’ll actually read 🙂 ), with THE BIG QUESTION in it.

I know, agreements were made, if only vaguely and indirectly. In the hospital.  With your parents and attorney and social worker at your side.  And with us hovering fairly nearby.  We were assured that you were strong in your opinions about how you wanted things to be “after.”  I trust that at that very place and time, you were very sure.  There were so many others around to see to that.

Time has passed, and it continues to pass so quickly.  Feelings change, clarity happens, LIFE happens.  I’m all too aware of that. 

Our son is over a year old.  Just since you and I last spoke on his birthday, he has begun walking, saying and understanding words, becoming even more social (quite the little ham), recognizing more people, and eating more foods.  I am convinced you need each other in your lives.  You need to see one another, spend time together, learn about each other.  Not just once, but always.

I’ve tried doing this nifty little dance over the months, trying not to be too pushy, not to step on toes, not to butt in where I’m not welcome, or tell you how you need to feel.  And even though that dance will continue in the letter you’ll soon receive, the question remains the same and is very direct:  Will you meet with us and your son this summer?

I’ve got a lot of fears behind that question.  I fear you’ll say no.  I fear I’m pushing too hard.  I fear you don’t think you ought to do it because of what you said you wanted.  I fear that if we don’t start going this direction now, that before long it will be too late and instead of talking about visits with you we’ll be talking about reunion with Woob.  I fear that he’ll grow and change so much that you’ll miss the most precious thing in the world and regret it later.  I fear he’ll have no way to make sense of the relinquishment if you aren’t there to paint the picture of how things were.

Presumptuous and selfish to be saying “I, I, I?”  You betcha.  But I also fear that if I don’t say the words, put it all out there, that we will continue this awkward dance with you feeling as if you can’t bring it up first, and with us being afraid to push too hard.

I hope for all of our sakes that you’ll consider it and answer soon.  We need you!




Filed under adoption, birthparents, motherhood

7 responses to “Popping the BIG Question

  1. goingbacktosquareone

    Oh, oh, oh!

    This could be an email I wrote to Crettie! My sentiments exactly!

  2. E, I think that’s awesome that you were willing to ask the question, despite all your fears. Here’s hoping for a positive response…

  3. Good! 🙂 Prayers for a positive response, for your little guy and for her too.

  4. E- I hope she calls or writes very soon and is open to this. It is such a big step, one the Woob will really appreciate one day!

  5. thanks, guys. We’ll be keeping our fingers crossed!

  6. I totally and completely commend you for getting this out there and asking the hard questions. I hope it turns out well. Keep us posted!


  7. I’m way behind the times here as I do some catch-up reading — and I got a glance of your latest post that a visit is in the works — and by her own asking! That’s simply wonderful news! And as for your letter — heck, the letter here was terrific and something I’d like to share with Maeve’s first mother — I’m digging your bravery and just going for what you believe to be the best thing for Woob — which is what really matters.

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