First Birthday…

About 6 months ago, I dreamed about you.  It was one of those rambling dreams that when you look at the whole thing from beginning to end, you get kind of confused, people aren’t always who they are in real life and places aren’t really accurate, either.  But there was one thread that was quite clear.  One chapter of the dream was about Woob as a little baby, and I was trying to keep him from terrible harm.  Another chapter was at one of his birthday parties.  You were there with us, and in the excitement of the day, I realized you were gone.  Lost.  And I wasn’t able to find you.  I was terribly upset, but had to keep going with the task at hand.  In the third chapter of the dream, I went to meet up our son, who as grown.  I saw him from a distance and remember being breathless at how handsome he was…but then as I approached, he disappeared, too.  I couldn’t find him.  I woke from this series of dreams scared, sickened, sweating and heart pounding.  I later spoke to a friend about this as she likes to interpret dreams.  She told me that the first part was my “momma bear” instinct stepping in and the third part was just fear that someday the Woob would leave me (but don’t all little boys eventually grow to leave their mamas??).  But she said the dream about you was a statement that there’s no connection between us, between you and Woob.  That those ties were severed.  So NOT what I wanted to hear.  So I don’t take my dreams to her anymore.

Anyway, that dream has been with me all this time.  It has made me really sad.  I can’t believe that there is no connection here.  As I was doing some reading the other day, something about conjoined twins, I flashed on a visual image of us–“E. and N., Siamese Twins Joined at the Woobie.”  (Not a politically correct image, but an image nonetheless).  We’ve survived for the past year this way; if we were separated now, one of us would surely perish.  We both need him to live.  He is the thing that connects us no matter what, throughout our lives, regardless if we were to speak every day or never again. 

Well, this dream was on my mind as we celebrated the Woob’s first year of life this weekend.  You were not at the party.  Not in person.  But you were THERE.  In my mind and heart, and as I blew out Woob’s candle for him and made a wish on his behalf that you were doing well on what must have been a really crappy day for you.  You were there. 

To hear from G’pa G. on the very next day, well, my heart sings at the gesture.  He was able to verify for me that you WERE there, not “severed” from us, not disconnected.  Hurting and confused, yes.  But not disconnected.  Know you’re in my prayers and I think of you daily.



Filed under adoption, birthdays, birthparents

9 responses to “First Birthday…

  1. That’s really beautiful, Mama2Roo. It must be hard not having any contact with her; it must hurt you too. *hugs* to you for that.

    And Happy Birthday to Woobie.

  2. Thanks, Mom. We have had an abosulutely beutiful birthday today. I am home from work this week due to daycare vacation. And guess what…she called! I’m waiting to hear back from her now. So many blessings today.

  3. Happy Birthday, Woobie.

    I think of my girls’ birthparent most on the date of the tragedy that began their journey to us. I think the best gift we can give B.P.s sometimes, is to pray for them (as I am sure you are doing) because God can bring comfort to them without limitations.

    Blessings to you today and may God guard your heart with his peace.


  4. She called?!!! Wow, that’s amazing. Answered prayers! Yes, many blessings indeed. 😀 Wonderful.

  5. Sherri–I haven’t read back far enough to learn what led you to your girls. But you are right, I do pray, and it seems that it has worked! We had a wonderful conversation this evening–still not able to say everything there is to be said, but a definite start on both sides. I should be receiving a package of pictures and gifts for the Woob from N. in the next week or so. My heart is really full today.

  6. Happy Birthday to Woobie (even if I’m a bit late commenting.) It’s sounds like it went well.

    I’m so excited for you (all) that she called.

  7. Oh E,
    I am so glad she called. That is wonderful for you and for the Woob. What a great birthday present.

    This post brought tears to my eyes. The Woob is so lucky to have you as a mama.

  8. Kim


    I came across your blog in search of information and perspectives on adoption and foster care because I am both alternatives for myself. I hope that you don’t regard my reading your site as an intrusion, and I very much appreciate being able to know your thoughts as an adoptive parent.

    In my web travels, I have come across many other blogs from adoptive parents, adoptees, and birth mothers. I thought you might be interested in taking a look at one (if you haven’t already seen it) written by a birth mother describing how difficult it is for her to remain accessible and available in the context of her open adoption: The entry for March 12, 2007 is the one I’m referring to.

    I wish all of you the best!

  9. ”E. and N., Siamese Twins Joined at the Woobie.”

    So true, so true. Navigating this two-momma relationship is much more intense than I ever imagined. If I feel this way, what must it be like for a firstparent?

    Blessings on your phone call…one day I pray for ours.


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